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12 Steps (Round 2) Logline: Hayden and his team of misfit bar buddies try to help Collin kick the habit of a bad relationship.
Tone: High Fidelity meets Orange County by way of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Love is boring. Face it, romance on the silver screen is as tired as a fat man in dodge ball, filled with the same basic plot that involves opposites attracting and clashing before finally embracing each other in a field of daisies while the sun sets behind them in true Michael Bay fashion. Hollywood has sold us the lie of true love being commonplace, and while I don’t mind lies about sex, military hardware, or invading aliens, I can only take so many more so-called romantic comedies before I burst. My film is about the truth of American relationships, the ninety-nine point nine percent that fail miserably…or should, if the involved parties would ever let the sack drop and end it. 12 Steps revolves around Collin, a twenty-something college kid who desperately needs a kick in the junk in order to ditch the girl that is the personification of everything dark and evil in his universe. Luckily he has Hayden, the best friend more than willing to help Collin try and kick the habit of a bad relationship, along with his team of misfit bar buddies. Like any addiction, what Collin needs is a good 12 step program, and Hayden and his buddies, experts in dependency, are more than willing to provide it. Collin might even stumble upon some true love along the way...maybe. If he's on step six by then (as Hayden says, there are rules, and they exist for our protection). The truth is that America has forgotten that love is fucking hilarious, especially to those on the outside looking in at the crazy lovers jumping through hoops. 12 Steps celebrates the dysfunction, like fans crowding the rails to watch a fiery crash at a NASCAR race. After watching those cars drive in circles for hours, sometimes you just want a flaming wreck of twisted metal: 12 Steps is that wreck. This is the script that I took to LA, this is the script that was in the car while I took caffeine pills in order to stay awake on the drive, and this is the script that I puked all over for ten hours when I overdosed on those same pills. This script is vomit-encrusted. This script is a flaming wreck. But it isn’t boring. Script's First Pages: Agreed to SUBLIM Terms and Conditions: Yes Submitted by Evildirector on July 7, 2007 - 1:05am. |
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Very good read...
ED, you won me over with your script. But let me start at the beginning:
Your synopsis sounds a little bit like an essay. A very good essay, mind you, about the status of romantic comedies in hollywood, and I agree with you in every point! Is just that I wish to hear more about what your actual movie is. In the second paragraph you have some awesome analogies for what it does, for what it stands for, what it feels like, and dont you delete any one of them cuz they're a joy to read, but... for instance, what are the 12 steps? I'm guessing its a plan Hayden cooks up to wean Collin off Sloan, but thats because your script kicks ass. All I'm saying is: tell us more about the meat and potatoes of your actual movie, in the movie synopsis.
Let me move to your script now, I loved it. Dialogue felt real, characters felt fleshed out. Hayden is perhaps a little bit stereotyped on the tradition of Jay of Jay and Silent Bob, or perhaps Jack Black's character in School of Rock, or maybe any number of Owen Wilson characters, and thats actually good I think. I like him that way, its a joy to watch, he's what makes this cinematical so far. Collin is more layered, and thus more subdued.. as he should be, and we can see some of the inner conflict he must be feeling, and its a great choice for a protagonist because we can all identify with him at a certain point in our lives. Perhaps I didnt see too much of Sloan in the first few pages, but I'm looking forward to, and thats the mark of a great script, a gret teaser.
Looking forward to read more of this story in round 2 man... this is a great job!
Gracias for the
Gracias for the comments. I made an addition to the synopsis, but at this point I'll let the first five pages and the dialogue do the, ahem, talking.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Laughing at the dialogue....
How clever of you.... I laughed at that for a good minute. Great dialogue! It flows really well and I think that the characters are established for the guys. Just waiting to see more of Sloan I think. And Star Wars references were original. They can be hard to pull off.
Good start
Yeah, I couldn't even get through your synopsis so I went
straight for the script. I like it so far. Nice conflict set up and it
pretty much tells you what everyone is like. Hope the rest of the
script follows this pattern.
Lee Brandt
Thanks for the comments,
Thanks for the comments, but would you mind elaborating on what problems you had with the synopsis?
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
synopsis
Pretty much what was stated before. You make a lot of comments
about love and romance, but little about the plot. The synopsis should
be about the story and characters and that's it. Otherwise, you're
script starts well.
Lee Brandt
Honestly, we need to collaborate
The more stuff I see/read from you, the more I think you're an idealized version of me in Texas. If you have something with zombies in it, that'll just cinch it!
But first, my constructive criticism:
I didn't really have a problem with the synopsis being more about the tone and intent than plot. But that's just me. I did think it maybe edged a bit on the hypocritical though. You start by bemoaning the bullshit of romantic comedies in hollywood. But then go on to mention that "he may even find true love along the way" which sounds alot like a hollywood romantic comedy. Not that that's a bad thing. But you did just get off a smear campaign about them. So maybe just more clarification on how your's will be different.
I'l just be straightforward. I don't know if I'm a fan of the opening Star Wars reference. It read a bit too much like Kevin Smith-whom I love! And I like the rant in and of itself. It would probably work further into the movie, after we've established the tone and characters as your own, but if it's the first thing we hear, I'm afraid we're going to think Kevin Smith (or any number of other Star Wars referenceing filmmakers), which you don't want us to think when watching your movie. Plus it felt a bit forced (get it...FORCEd...hahaha. ... Sorry). I'm sure Hayden and Collin have watched Star Wars before, and that Hayden knows that Collin wouldn't think Jedi was Bullshit. Again though: I do love the line in and of itself. Getting your ass kicked by teddy bears is funny!
Okay, sorry about that. I DO love the script though! Everything after that reconfirmed to me that you ARE a great writer and not just immitating Mr. Smith. I laughed out loud numerous times durring these 5 pages, and that's pretty rare while simply reading a script. I also think you avoided the classic pitfall of having your lead be too flat. Collin has a sense of irony and humor that can often be found lacking in leads of less worthy writers. And Hayden is just great! He's obviously the classic comic-relief/wacky-best-friend, but I didn't think he read like any one we've seen or any specific actor. Again, you hooked me in the first 5 pages. Plus, luckily for you (or maybe you engineered it this way) your 5 pages ended on a hilarious line. I'm still chuckeling to myself. You've def. got a future as a writer.
Just promise me it doesn't degrade into Saving Silverman.
Gracias, man. Re: the
Gracias, man. Re: the Star Wars references, I am taking Star Wars back for everyone who isn't Kevin Smith. I'm not going to ignore a large part of my pop-culture background just because Kevin Smith has also done it; I guess I'll have to live the consequences. Thanks for the heads-up, but it's not something I'll change. I'm glad you laughed out loud, though.
I've only seen bits and pieces of Saving Silverman, but I'm pretty sure the script steers pretty clear of that territory.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Another opinion...
I love the story you setup in the synopsis. As a guy who has a soft spot for romantic flicks of varying degrees, I look forward to a film that challenges the Hollywood ideal of romance that is shoved down our throats. The idea of the 12 step program sounds unique. Quite frankly after reading the synopsis I couldn't wait to read the 5 page intro!
However I thought there was too much exposition in these first five pages. You're having the characters tell us how awful the relationship is, and I want them to show us. Perhaps having the first 5 pages show Collin and Sloan in various situations that demonstarte how awful things are as well as how their relationship is common to most present day bad relationships. Haydn's character can always be established after that.
Otherwise the dialogue seemed natural and there were several solid laughs in there. I love the story idea and look forward to reading the full first act.
Gracias for the comments;
Gracias for the comments; I hope the rest of the script has the laughs you're looking for.
I understand your concerns about the first five pages, butI think a read of the first fifteen would clear that up. The narrative isn't about past indescretions, it's about the break-up (and, within the next page, you'll get something along the lines of what you're looking for. That, combined with Sloan's mysterious callers, should fulfill your needs before the main titles roll).
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Any more thoughts,
Any more thoughts, anyone?
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Here's what I feel...
Ok; I'll be short, sweet, and to the point:
I appreciate your
I appreciate your thoughts!
See, to me, I have the opposite reaction: I hate to read piles of screen directions in scripts. To me, dialogue reveals character and whatnot, not a screen direction reading: THE ZOMBIE MOVES FORWARD MENACINGLY, DRIPPING SLIME, etc, etc. Which is probably why my script is the only comedy.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Hope I got my thoughts across-
Just wanted to make sure that you understood that I LOVE that your script is so dialogue-based...the one I'm planning on submitting will be too; I was just worried that the page-limit hampers such entries - like me, your dialogue seems very short-worded and realistic; which could take up "valuable" page space (for instance, aforementioned Kevin Smith's scripts hit the 200 mark - so much dialogue - takes up more space than action).
MB- Relax: I never
MB-
Relax: I never thought your post was derogatory or anything other than complimentary! I do think, however, that no one genre has an edge in a 5 page competition. Just check out the submissions here: in 5 pages has anyone, action, comedy, thriller, anyone, really been able to delve into character? We get glimpses, we get tantalizing glimpses, but I don't know how much 5 pages can communicate without all-out exposition.
In the long run, that's a good thing. The next round will be a REAL treat to read, as everyone gets to try their hand at sustaining long-term interest.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Gotcha
I see what you mean...the five page rule can be more of a test for a different kind of storytelling ability - capturing the audience...still, I agree; the 2nd round will be much more interesting and all-telling.
Good points
You know mbbarnett, it never occurred to me that a script that is dialogue heavy, would indeed fit less words in five pages than one that is description heavy.
I'll be darned, that could happen. Although.... .. do more words necessarily mean more story?
Thats what makes me think. Some people learn more about the character from a couple lines of dialogue, than from two heavy description paragraphs. Plus, as Ezequiel has been telling me, heavy description paragraphs run the risk of being boring. So, I see pros and cons, a heavy-dialogue script is not necessarily handicapped, it can actually feel lighter, more of a treat to read and less of a chore. I'll think about it some more and see if I come up with more comments. I think in the end it all comes down to Telling The Story. For now I have one thougth... if there is a SUBLIM 2008, maybe Round 1 will call for 10 pages instead of 5. We'll see how that works, a lot of it will depend on how many submissions we get, since the goal is to make it relatively easy for people to rate a submission without having to commit a huge lot of time to it. We'll see how it goes! Thanks for the comment though, points well taken!
Something to avoid
Dialogue heavy scripts can be excellent if you have the skill of someone like Kevin Smith or Quentin Tarrantino, but most people don't. When they don't a dialogue heavy film loses you because you start to pull out of the film and into your head. That's death for any picture.
Another problem is that heavy dialogue breeds excessively long scenes. When you think about it, a 7 page dialogue scene might not seem long, but watching that same 7 minutes of dialogue can be excruciating.
The trap that you can fall into is a film where nothing happens and is bloated with exposition. The last thing you want is a bunch of people who talk too much and tell the audience about themselves when they should be demonstrating their character through action.
A screenwriting teacher I had once made a great analogy; the audience can be stupid, if you want to get across the idea that there is a wonderful and tasty, juicy apple, and you tell them how wonderful and tasty it is, they won't remember. However if you show them a big red apple, dripping with condensation, and when someone bites into it, a soft mist explodes forth, and the person chews on it with a look of ecstacy - then they really understand, and feel emotionally connected to it.
I think if you have a tendency toward dialogue it needs to be snappy and concise, without being overly witty or cute, and it has to be balanced with action; not necessarily action like gunfights and martial arts, but people doing things and making choices. The other thing to keep in mind is how important subtext is in dialogue. Few people actually say what they mean. Think of the times you've been angry at someone and when they asked what was wrong, you said "Nothing, I'm fine."?
Finally, and I'm sorry for being so lengthy here, remember that exposition really should be avoided if the same information can be communicated through action. If someone walks into a house and says to someone else "Why didn't you pay me back that money that I lent you three weeks ago when you needed a kidney transplant? That made me very angry and now I'm going to have to beat you up!", isn't it much more interesting if that same person knocks on the door, and when it's answered, he says "Where have you been? You been avoiding me?"
Bigdaddy, I think you can
Bigdaddy, I think you can shrink your whole post down to a basic premise: If you CAN write, it's good. If you can't, it's not, regardless of whether or not it is dialogue or action.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Revised. Minor
Revised.
Minor revisions to reflect constructive criticisms made.
Thanks for Reading!
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Revisions
I still think this is very good. Very funny, great characterization, etc. But I have the same complaints about the expositional dialogue. I may be alone here, but I want to see their bad relationship so that when this scene happens I'm emotionally invested in what happens. Otherwise, I can't wait to see the first act.
Wouldn't her mysterious
Wouldn't her mysterious calls, Collin's obvious discomfort, and Hayden's disdain do for the first five pages? I'm of the opinion that the audience doesn't need a force-fed scene of the two fighting, etc, to get the nature of the relationship. Remember, this isn't a film about their relationship, it's a film about Collin ditching their relationship.
Course, that's my opinion, not yours. I think the second round will be the most telling for all of us.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
I think that might just be
I think that might just be one of the more succinct and accurate summations of the original Star Wars trilogy that I have ever read. Too bad Kevin Smith already nabbed all the really good "lightsabre = phallic symbol" gags.
Thing is, a bunch of this dialogue could go. And by "go," I mean "edited out to make way for the really sharp stuff happening in here." Hayden's whole "You've got to go" speech to Sloan? That belongs on Page One, because that’s when the actual movie begins. As it stands now, we've got a lot of stuff getting in the way of that moment, stuff that's not as interesting... mostly Collin's moping, his embarrassed fetching of beers, etc.
The exchange on Page 5 was where it started to get interesting to me. I'd much rather start with that Hayden/Sloan death-duel, then find out what the actual situation is later.
Lol. Sounds like the
Lol. Sounds like the exact opposite of Bigdaddyral's advice!
I think I'll keep it the way it is; I don't fully suscribe to bigdaddy's need to have the relationship spelled out, but I also don't want to cut to the chase right away. In a dialogue-driven comedy, you don't cut the dialogue simply for the sake of plot. My two cents.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Relationship
It's not that I want to see the relationship spelled out, maybe I wasn't clear. What I meant was if the movie is about the ending of a bad relationship, and how that unfolds, there is a certain amount of setup that is required. You have two choices with the setup, 1) show us how bad the relationship is so that while it's ending we empathize, or 2) tell us about how bad the relationship is which, in my opinion, can work fine but shouldn't be done in a visual medium.
You said earlier that this isnt a movie about a bad relationship, it's about a man leaving a bad relationship. I would say in response that Knocked Up isn't a movie about a slacker trying to make a Mr. Skin website, but it's a natural setup to his struggle of becoming a new father and learning to take responsibility for his life.
For my money, we don't need to see some static fight scene, but there are many ways to demonstrate a bad relationship that give you plenty of opportunities for comedy. And given how many times I laughed reading this, I think you can do it, and do it well.
That's my 2 cents anyway.
Don't worry, BD, I don't
Don't worry, BD, I don't take any of this personally.
Frankly, I just don't see the need for what you are describing. I know you honestly think it should be there, but I don't. Then again, I've got the advantage on ya...I've read the rest. And with Rus kinda asking for the exact opposite, I think this is a case of every man with his own opinion. It's actually kinda weird, in that sense, since most of the scripts I've read on here DONT have that wide variety of opinion when it comes to criticism. Would you guys just agree already?! j/k
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Hemi-Vision
I know it's cheating like all hell, but I already read the
draft you had online here and I love this script. I actually
laughed outloud when I read this thing, It's great. The bit whit
"I'm from Dallas" is @$#@ing priceless. Maybe it's just me, but I
loved it. Best of luck, man!
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Big, I know, I wish I had
Big, I know, I wish I had saved your lengthy comments before I asked FF to delete the thread before SUBLIM started. I didn't want to influence the contest...too much.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
Round2 "There
Round2
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
The River
Goddammit I love this fucking script. There. I said it.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
.
.
See, to me thats a fairly
See, to me thats a fairly boring approach, JM. Remember, too, that dialogue flies. Page 20 winds up being maybe six-seven minutes into the film, if that, in a dialogue-heavy script. And I like wordy, but you've probably figured that out by now. Wordy, to me and the folks I write for, is funny; not for everyone, but funny.
Major props, though, for figuring out that the professor character was intended for a Bill Murray-like actor,and, yeah, he comes into play throughout.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
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JM- I've heard that
JM-
I've heard that rule, but I'm pretty sure than never accounted for the kind of rapid-fire dialogue that has become popular lately. I know I've edited my own stuff, and it doesn't quite work out that way.
Send me a line on the football thing. I was a football coach for a number of years, son of a football coach who was the son of a football coach. Two books published on the damn sport, and one non-fiction "inspirational" story just completed and being shopped around by my agent. Hell, even A Wolf Walks By (trailer on here somewhere) was basically a football story.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
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Act Accordingly....
The one comment that I remember from when I looked at your whole script was that the section where we meet Katie seems a little confusing. Sorry to say that my I.Q. hasn't gone up one bit since those many weeks ago. She's described as a counter girl, she's behind the counter, then she's waiting tables. Just oe guy's opinion. Other than that, I hope like hell that I get the oportunity to sit i a theater and watch this some day. I can't tell you why, but this script just hits me the right way, thankyou for sharing it with us. Ride like hell, brother.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
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