Logline:
We live side by side with a vast, insane ghost world. Lucien Smith crosses through to redeem his father... and finds truths he wasnt meant to find.
TONE:
GHOST meets SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
SETTING:
The Ghost World (also known as the Shadow Realm) is a bizarre, nightmarish version of our own world, populated by dead souls too dark or confused to Move On. Some of these souls have been there for millennia, growing in power and in madness. These are the Ghost Lords, often mistaken by gods in the world of the living, often preoccupied by their own wars in the world of the dead. On certain occasions, the two worlds interesect. Standing at the crossroads is Lucien Smith.
CHARACTERS:
Lucien's father (who first discovered all of this) died under very strange circumstances when Lucien was just a boy. Lucien was traumatized by the mockery that was piled upon his father's grave by the media of the time -who considered all things paranormal to be nothing more than tomfoolery. He has devoted his life since to becoming the greatest paranormal researcher, a pioneer, and eventually prove to the whole world, and in the most spectacular way possible, that his father was right. That they should have never doubted him.
Jazmin is Lucien's fiancée, and she loves him. Out of his love for him she helps him in his Ahab-like quest to bridge the two worlds: she is the medium through which Lucien talks to the dead. But things have been getting out of hand lately.
Dr. Kain is powerful in the ways of the Shadow Realm. He was the partner of Lucien's father... but they had a... disagreement. Now he works for the Ghost Lords, although nothing is as it seems.
STORY:
Lucien rescues a ghost on National TV, and spectacularly so. It becomes a news sensation around the world, but strangely... it does not sate's Lucien thirst for retribution. Worse, what it does is attract the attention of the Ghost Lords, who do not want interference from the living into their realm. One ghost a month? They can afford to lose that much to Lucien's "rescue circles" every now and then. Thousands of ghosts to the thousands of researchers following on Lucien's steps? That its not acceptable. And so they send Dr. Kain after Lucien. Kain has very powerful reasons of his own to want this fight. In fact, for him it is a fight that started long ago, with Lucien's father. He turns up the paranormal heat on a very cocky (and perhaps overconfident Lucien).. and Lucien loses. He dies. He lands lost and helpless in the shadow realm, one more confused soul trying to piece his own mind together. With the help of Jazmin who brings him sanity from the world of the living, Lucien learns not only to cope with the bizarre, nightmarish Shadow Realm, but to actually confront the Lords that rule it, the Bridge, Kain... and eventually his own father. The "good" thing to do would be perhaps to bow down one's head, and let things continue The Way They Are. The other... is to blow open the gates for an all-out war against the living. That would prove it, that would show them.. that he was right... and they should have never doubted him.
MARKET POTENTIAL:
The Ghost World is a unique, original universe that can be mined endlessly for new characters, factions or stories, much like the STAR WARS universe, which in turn allows for endless spinoffs in parallel media, such books, comics, videogames, etc.
Agreed to SUBLIM Terms and Conditions:
Submitted by
FableForge on July 7, 2007 - 7:19pm.
YEAH!
This sounds like there is a deeper meaning in it. This isn't a superficial story it seems to me. And I love anything that has to do with ghosts and paranormal investigation. You got my vote!
EZEQUIEL
I GAVE YOU ONE STAR! HAHA
I'm sorry for the one star. haha
Who says I don't fight dirty? LOL!
EZEQUIEL
You give me the stars? next you'll give me the moon too!
You're getting weird on me Ezequiel! If flowers arrive to my doorstep I'll know to be scared :)
Mind trip to come....
Or at least I'm assuming so. Feels like this will be an "experimental" film in some ways too, just because of the deja vu effects and the scenarios around it.\
Question for me is that it seemed like a long scene focusing on Nancy, Tom and Corvette Guy and I want to know Nancy's history already. Why was she sick before or after the crash...etc. Very cool. Wondering where this will go overall. Cool read, can't wait to see more.
Thats the goal! :)
Hehehe!! Thank you!! if the first five pages want to make you know more, then I'm happy with that! Pages 6 to 10 finally let you in in a little secret about Nancy..... and on Page 11 Lucien makes a very cool entry, which is the main event that jump starts the story. Ack, I cant wait to show you the rest of the pages! I guess we'll have to wait for october.. ack! one good thing though... is that this gives me a lot of energy to keep working on this story :)
Cool set up
Not bad for a beginning. It has intrigue, suspense and a bizarre
feeling all at the same time. Is this Nancy's story? So far it seems
like it. Guess we'll see in October.
Lee Brandt
Heck yeah!
From the synopsis it looks like this film could go one of two ways. Over the top and ridiculous, or dark and subtle and potentially awesome. Judging from the 5 pages, I'm hoping it's goign the second route. As a first 5 minutes it really hooks you anyway. I'd have no idea how to shoot all those flashbacks and deja vu sequences, but if done well it could be terriffic. I'm guessing that Nancy is some how Lucien's big save? Maybe? Just guessing. Anyway, I'm eager to read more. Bring on round 2!
Another opinion...
I love the story idea and the world alluded to by the Synopsis and think this has tons of potential. You are clearly very creative. The script itself needs some work.
The descriptions are very long and filled with things that can't be filmed such as what people are thinking, realizing, etc. And while the internal world of your characters is interesting, they have to be embodied by actions. My rule is if it can't be shot don't write it. If you take out everything that can't be shot you'll be forced to show them visually and the script will benefit from it.
There was also one formatting error I noticed (page 6); there should be a description after the scene slugs, before the dialogue, to depict who is there and what they are doing.
The setup to the accident, the accident, and the time jumping is fantastic. And with some editing I think it will be great.
The great thing about
The great thing about this script is that you *really* feel the need to keep reading, if only to figure out WTF is going on. The round two submission should be great, not to mention enlightening.
"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."
-HL Mencken
EXAMPLE:
EXT. DRIVING THROUGH FOREST ROAD – NIGHT
Sheets of rain pound a winding highway fenced on either side by towering crooked trees that look as if their branches were reaching out for something.
Lightning fractures the sky—and in the distance—a truck races up the road—TWO HEADLIGHTS emerge from the darkness and cut through the curtains of storm. They swerve from side to side recklessly!
The 1950’s Ford pick-up truck zooms past and skids around a bend in the road with a SCREECH from the sliding wheels!
INT. FORD PICK-UP TRUCK-SAME
TOM HAGEN
50’s. His tired eyes are as wide as they can go as he struggles to see the road ahead of him. He handles the wheel like a desperate race car driver racing up a road blindfolded.
A GIRL’S VOICE (O.S.)
(weak)
Daddy…?
TOM
(with a southern accent)
Shhh…baby, we’re almost there…we’re almost there.
NANCY HAGEN
20’s. She shivers uncontrollably. Her face is pasty white with dark rings under her eyes. She’s curled up in the passenger seat as she fades in and out of consciousness.
TOM
Nancy. Don’t close your eyes, baby. Keep those eyes open no matter how hard it is, keep those eyes open!
NANCY
Daddy, I’m cold and sleepy…
TOM
Don’t go to sleep. Wrap that blanket around yourself.
NANCY
The blanket is cold too…
TOM
(urgently)
I’m drivin’ as fast as I can. We’ll be there I promise, JUST DON’T CLOSE YOUR EYES!
EZEQUIEL
SO THE IDEA IS:
Not to use my example of course. You do your thing. But the advice is, write visually, not literally. A screenwriter does not tell the reader what is happening, he/she shows the reader. This is the most difficult thing to accomplish because--"how do you show with words"? But it's the same thing a painter faces when staring at a blank canvas--"how do I show emotion". Well, the painter must learn how to use certain brush strokes--manipulate colors etc. The same with the film writer. EVERY WORD MUST MEAN SOMETHING. The writer must paint the picture before the picture is painted. The screenplay has to be a movie before it is a movie.
It's almost like this---next time you're about to have sex, tell your woman exactly what you're going to do to her--don't waste words, use only the one's that are gonna get her all fired up--and if you use to many words, you'll lose the moment--but if you use them right--POW!--and then--she'll make her move--in our case--the producer will make your movie.
Remember, even in writing, it's not tell and show. It's not even show and tell. It's show and show.
EZEQUIEL
Title = Ozzy Osborne's last
Title = Ozzy Osborne's last tour.
It's a dark and stormy night! Sweet!
"She knows she is losing her mind." But how do I know? It's got to be visual or audible, or it's lost on an audience.
Not a lot to judge here as yet... pretty sure we haven't met the main character or had the basic premise of the movie laid out yet. Without the synop, at this point I'd be assuming I was watching a movie about Nancy, who seems to be a precognitive young woman who's experiencing several different timelines at once. And if that wasn't enough, she's also deathly ill... my impression is the two conditions aren't connected, though I do expect her ailment to be explained at some point.
If that was the story, I'd be fine with it and say it's going along at a good clip... no small thing, given how it's still very clear what's going on despite the random jumps and repetitions. Monkeying around with perceptions like that can get confusing real fast, but in this case it proved to be highly intriguing.
Unfortunately, I see no sign of Lucien (unless he's Corvette Guy), Ghost Worlds, Ghost Lords or their doctorial lackeys, so that makes me wonder where things are going, and if they're going there fast enough... or if the entire rug's about to be pulled out from under me in another page or two. Which is what I'm really hoping for.
MARCO POLO
I think what is interesting about this is that there is an alternate/parallel or maybe even perpindicular ghost world that co-exist with the land of the living. That is a very strong premise. Everyone always digs on that sort of stuff because the subject is something we as humans always question. So it makes me wonder, if "them" as ghosts ask the same questions about us.
I really hope, i mean, REALLY HOPE that we spend some time in the ghost world and see what their perspectives on their world vs. ours is. And you know I'm all about paranormal stuff so I'm definitely interested.
And I guess, without knowing what sort of journey you're taking us on, think about this: in TIM BURTONS CORPSE BRIDE. The land of the living was all gloomy and depressing and everyone was fighting and lying---but down in the land of the dead, everything is colorful and everyone is partying. I'm not saying that you do that! But you know what I mean and what I'm hoping you will deliver cause if you don't deliver--
I'm sorry Marco. But I will make sure you do not make it to the second round.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
JUST KIDDING SUCKA!
EZEQUIEL
Useless
So, I'm just gonna take a shot here; we're in the ghost world and
what we're seeing is what happens when you die and go ther (well, at
least what happened with this girl). Maybe I'm wrong, but in any
event, I think it's a helluva way to get started. I got sucked n
and Imust tell you that I'm pissed that there's not more here.
goddamnit, I've gotta know what happens! And that's the ball
game. I'm not a professional reader, but I got pulled into this
and I want to read more. That's the only criteria I have to judge
this. And this got me by the throat and pushed me through
it. I wouldn't know where to start to tell you to fix anything
'cause I didn't see any problems. Now, I know that this isn't
helpful in the least, but that's my reaction. I'll read it again,
after I've had some time to soak it in. Maybe I'll have some
better help for you later. Good fucking work, man!
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
hmm..
The concept of course is great...one thing I noticed was that I had to read it more than two times to make sure I was understanding what was going on..I think other people might get lost during the begining, but I'm sure you have the vision and you can make it understandable.
I like how it ended on the fifth page and I'm interested in reading more. Since your dealing with ghosts you might want to ask yourself how do you want your audience to feel after they see it. You can go many different routes..scaring them or sparking conversation about the paranormal experiences ..hopefully throughout the rest of the story you capture emotion..you got my vote..
Nice premise
Hey Marco! This is a good start and a good idea. I wanted to turn the page and keep reading. I did get a little confused that a 20 year old called her father daddy. I'm sure you meant that on pupose but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be thinking. Unless that's part of the suspense you are setting up for the audience!? I like the idea of the repetition of dialogue but where it is placed right now at the very beginning made it hard for me, as the audience, to grab onto what story is being told.
Can't wait to find out more.
Donna May
(No subject)
Updated, here's the first 20 pages of my SUBLIM Entry
Like everybody knows, neither EZ nor myself are eligible to win this contest due to the potential conflict of interest, but nevertheless we took the chance to compete and get feedback. For anyone interested, here's the first 20 pages of the script :)
Thanks so much everybody for your comments and support!
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