Tribe (Round 2)

 One thing: I'd prefer less exposition in the cop-car dialogue.  I see your dilemma, though.  You want the action start out right away, no waiting.  Problem is, you need to set up BK as a worth adversary, and before the film.  I'd suggest some kind of news-footage combined with Bauer leading his new charge from roll-call to the cruiser, all the while with the kid over-hearing shit about BK.   

"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."

-HL Mencken

I picture that crazy neighborhood like the hellish new york streets in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK! If this movie ever get's made, there has to be a scene with some crazy gang duded (if you have some crazy gang dudes in it, I don't know I'm making shit up) whip out their gats and the classic N.W.A. song FUCK THE POLICE starts. haha

Cool story premise. I would comment on the racing pace of the first five pages, but I can't cause I need to read more. But it does grab you and forces you to keep going on the chase with these cops we barely know and sparks the curious wondering of "who's next".

You write visually. That is great. You paint pictures with words. And in your writing style, I recognize that this isn't your first, second, third or fourth screenplay. Trim. To the point. Clear. No unnecessary words. And if this is your first, second or even third screenplay, it is clear to me that you understand the craft of writing a movie. But this professional style of writing usually comes having written tons of screenplays with some sort of professional guidance that doesn't come from reading books on how to write screenplays. This type of writing is learned from conversations with professionals and feedback from them.

And if I'm wrong. Then you're a prodigy. But there was a guy here that is now no longer a member of this website who has written professionally and when we'd talk about the business of movies and the business of writing, he immediately recognized that I've been doing this for some time now without question and said to me "A GUN RECOGNIZES A GUN"

So I'm saying the same thing to you. A GUN RECOGNIZES A GUN.

Novice writers won't clearly recognize what I'm seeing, but I'll tell you and everyone else here competing---

1) to you first: Welcome to the competition it is great see someone going into battle that really knows how to wield his sword...in this case--his pen.

2) to Sublim competitors: Say hello to your competition.

Keep up the good work and I look forward to more of your work.

EZEQUIEL

I love the story you've setup in the synopsis. I'm a fan of balls to the wall, trapped in an impossible situation, action films. And your style of writing from the first five pages has a lot of energy and I think will be very exciting.

I agree with Evil that there is a lot of exposition in the dialogue. If you want to keep up the break neck pace I think you have the talent to introduce BK in a way that solidifies his position as a monster that continually evades capture in a 1-2 page scene at the beginning. Then you can lead into this run in at the projects.

Otherwise I think the characterization is good for the first five pages and I look forward to seeing how they develop in the first act.

My only other comments are format nitpicks:

* In your parentheticals use Pause instead of then

*  Don't use continuous in your scene slugs, try to stick to day, night, dawn, dusk, etc.

* In the scene where Jenny is introduced, cut up the scene with scene slugs so we know when we're in and out of the car.

*  Instead of lines like "doesn't help Rice's nerves", demonstrate his nerves with something visual like Rice chews on the nails of one hand and raps the fingers of his other on his knees.

Anyway, great job! I can't wait to see more. 

2) to Sublim competitors: Say hello to your competition.

 Well done. I like that the various cop conversations give great insight into their characterizations. Only a couple of comments: I'm sure you are aware of a real "BTK Killer" who was in the news when he was arrested a couple of years ago. When I first started reading your synopsis, he came to mind. With the names being so similiar, I might consider coming up with an alternative.

And I have a question about your logline: A veteran police sergeant leads a frantic midnight hunt for a vicious cop killer who's gone to ground in the world's most dangerous inner-city project.  Is "gone to ground" a cop term I'm not familiar with?

Oh, and I love the cat avatar. 

"The thing to determine conclusively is whether you are in a comedy or a tragedy."--Dr. Jules Hilbert, Stranger Than Fiction

When I was reading this I got the feeling I was watching a different version of Seven, the cops seem similar, but it was a variation on the genre, which was great and a fast opening, a really quick read and fantastic dialogue.  Very nice!! 

"Get busy living or get busy dying..." Shawkshank Redemption

This is really well made.

The premise... an urban hunt through the night through a -really- bad neighborhood... this idea is golden. I love movies that happen in a single day, like "A Day Of Fury" with Michael Douglas, and the environment reminds of me of "Escape from NY". You have a very powerful protagonist and a very powerful antagonist, and they have every reason to kill each other. Lots of things a stake, and a clock on the whole thing too, as daylight comes and the cordon will break. Heheh. Man, this is ... this good.

Reading the script, I enjoyed the characters, the dialogue, I visually imagined so many shots... I mean.. its great, but.... everything seems too perfect. Like, distractingly so. I know thats a very hard phrase to explain. Actually, while I was reading your script, I kept thinking "too perfect.... okay.. okay..damn, too perfect again, how the hell am I going to explain this when I write my review?".  I still dont know am gonna do it; its not exactly a compliment. Okay.. here's my attempt:

What I mean by "too perfect" is that I could never forget that I was reading a script and I was never able to just sink in and live the story, because everything about the story kept reminding me over and over that I was just reading a really good script. Like, I could not enjoy Billy's perfect tutoring of the rookie, which lets us learn so many things about the characters and the location.. because the whole time I was thinking "okay, this is the part where he establishes the characters. Okay, now its setting up what will be Billy's motivation, he knew all these people. He knows the street names too. The people are the job, right, thats what fits his character. And the rookie, yeah, he would answer that, of course, now the audience knows..." this and that.. and so on.  I think the most blatant one was the banter about the pretty girl cop having ticketed her own mom for overspeeding on mother's day. I mean, its brilliant! Its original, it establishes character in like 4 lines tops. But damn, all I could think while I was reading it, was "okay, this is the tough but pretty character. Check". Its not that its cliche, its just that I could see the puppets's strings. Maybe its just me.

Dont mind my comments too much, I think this is the most "veteran" script I've read in the whole competition so far, and I love the execution and the premise, but maybe you could indulge the audience with a scene that isnt strictly functional, just to let us ease in into your world. You know, it feels like the Ivan Drago of scripts :) Then again, what do I know :) Best of luck!

I know others have made the Escape from New York comparrison already, so I'll broaden it and say this feels like an awesome John Carpenter movie...that way I can add Assault on Precinct 13 and even a little Big Trouble in Little China into the mix. 

I'll say that when I first read the synopsis I also thought of the BTK killer...though I forgot he was called the BTK killer, so I thought that's what you were talking about and were using the real guy.  That would be the only reason to go another way with the name, people like me who are somewhat familiar, but not completely with Mr. BTK.

So yeah...you've got what is set up to be a tremendous grindhousey action film.  The dialoug's good.  The writing's great.  The pace is set well.  Good job!