J Baker vs. The Axis of Evil: A Space Opera (2nd Revision)

Ouch, this has the possibility of being funnny as all hell.  I mean, how many films parody our love of sci-fi?  Galaxy Quest? Space Balls?  The list is really short, which means the time may be ripe for 'ole J. Baker.  

It really came together for me when we reached older James, and the very, very nice Star Wars reference.  Lovely. Just lovely.  The kid scene was a little gooey for me, a little too faux-childish.  At 13, kids are already fairly articulate, fairly mature.  MAybe something slightly different, slightly mischevious? 

Can't wait for more.

Oh, I put two new scripts on here. Do me a favor, check them out! 

"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."

-HL Mencken

So, any relationship to the former Secretary of State?  Is his first mate named Hamilton?

How do you fast your past?

I hope James' decision to drop out is explained at some point - it's glossed over in the synop - and I personally expect it to;

A.) speak to James' severe character defects in an amusing way
B.) demonstrate the Republic's propensity for being run by tight-asses
C.) involve gotterdammerung-like misfortune
D.) all of the above, plus or minus a kitchen sink.

And so, onward to the script.

At first, I was assuming Young James was aboard the Republic ship, but his dialogue ("a ship like that!") indicates otherwise.  I'm therefore not sure where the hell I am.  I don't find out until after two blocks of dialogue that there's grass involved, and I reach the end of the page before it's confirmed they're on a space station.  

Finding a few punctuation and syntax errors here and there.

I confess, I do not find Natalie endearing.  In fact, I find myself reminded of Darla in "The Little Rascals," who always struck me as a prima donna who deserved to be bitten by that weird eye-circle dog and thereby contract rabies... perhaps that says more about me than her, actually.  But based on what I've seen thus far, I can't help but hope this fractured science fiction tale ends up with James ditching the damsel in favor of something better.  Accent on "thing."

Green gloop on nachos = guacamole.

This 20 year tech embargo on the Republic intrigues me.  They seem fairly advanced, so who's behind the embargo, who's enforcing it, and what cool stuff can humanity expect to get its grubby little hands on?  Inquiring minds want to know.

The "solo" line - and the explanation that follows it - are a bit too forced for my tastes.  Hey, "forced!"  As in "force-d!"  Get it?  Well, if you do and you didn't laugh, that's pretty much why "solo" didn't work on me.

I've only known him a few pages, and yet it seems odd to me that James would be classy enough to have his own briefcase.  Even if it is a laptop.  Maybe if there were pieces of gum stuck on the bottom...

All that said, the time is definitely right for an epic space action adventure yarn about boldly going where no man has gone before and blowing shit up, and robbing people, and maybe rescuing/kidnapping a few women, and blowing more shit up.  I approve.

The description of Weaver instantly brought me back images of the video game Space Quest. One of the greatest franchises in gaming history! Of course the character I thought of was a redneck alien that worked out of an intergalactic trailer park, but very similar none the less. If you haven't played it, it's about a spaceship janitor with aspirations of becoming a space pilot whom, through constant misadventure and misfortune, saves the galaxy. But I digress...

I love the concept in the synopsis as it really sets up what can be an epic sci-fi comedy. The opportunities for comedy here are endless. I also like the idea of the drunken shiftless layabout space pirate. It all reminds me of Space Quest which I have always wanted to see as a movie.

The script is good as well. I like, again, the introduction of Weaver, I like James in the bar, and I like the kids watching the space ship. I am definitely looking forward to seeing more.

That being said, the script has a number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation issues that are very distracting.

And like Rus pointed out, after watching the ship and moving on to the kids, I didn't know where I was. I thought at first maybe on a ship, then a planet, then a space station. The visuals of pulling back and following the ship, and then going through the window, etc, is nice but unnecessary and confusing. Any time you switch locations you need a scene slug precisely so your reader doesn't get lost. However I think you can rewrite this scene to include the visuals you're going for and incorporating an extra scene slug.

I thought the scene with the kids was cute, but agree that they seem younger than 13. I was picturing 10 year olds as the interacted. As they bickered I did get a good feel for the relationship and characters of Robert and James, but learned nothing about Natalie. And seeing how important she will be to the story I want to have this scene set up her and James' relationship more. Something sweet with Robert more in the background.

As for the Star Wars debate, the Solo comment was cute but I didn't give it much thought beyond that.

Otherwise, I think you've done a great job here and I can't wait to see more. And out of all the scripts in the competition this may be the one I want to read the rest of the most. I'm giving you an 8/10 because of the strength of the concept and the execution so far, but will raise my vote after some revisions. Great job! 

Alright, I hate to say this about myself, but while I seem to always
love sci-fi movies that I've seen, I hate the scripts that they're
based on.  I hated the scripts for Blade Runner and Alien. 
I just find myself unable to visualize what's happening while I'm
reading them.  I don't seem to have this problem with any other
script I read, so I guess it's some sort of hang-up I'll have to go
over in therapy.  Bethat as it may, I thought the very opening
where the ship passes over us was a bit stilted until we see the change
of perspective.  I also love that you put the children in some
sort of grass field as they were witnessing this spectacle.  It
seemed to give the scene a certain innocence.  I don't know I just
really liked it.  The first dialogue between the kids was really
nice.  The boys teanming up on the poor bastard the girl thought
was cute was a a sweet touch.  The second scene seemed to go in
another direction altogether.  It seemed to go from wonderment to Ice Pirates.   The talking alien just went
off the rails for me.  Not that it didn't work, I just can't see
it in my head.  so, I suppose none of this is helpful.  For
the record, I'll be the first in line to see this movie, and buy four
versions of the DVD (yeah, I'm chomping at the bit for the briefcase
full of Blade Runner).   I hope this isn't making me sound
like too much of an asshole.  Fact, ignore this and just let me
say, good work, man, and good luck.

If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.

IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.

Alright, the potential is here for sure! I'm not going to comment on the pages cause I made a deal with myself not to do so anymore. It just doesn't make sense to do it, it's only five pages! But I believe you have a fun concept! 

EZEQUIEL

Alright, let me get the nitpicks out of the way:

• Rupublic
• protocal
• kids sounds like 8, not 13
• James Baker is actually the leader of the Iraq Study Group, and considering Iraq together with Iran and N Korea are the "Axis of Evil", the title is completely misleading! I'd suggest, oh, I dont know.. "O'Mallory Fons vs The Evil Alliance" I dunno :)

Alright. With that out of the way, let the lovefest begin!!

I loved the scenes with the kids. They made me smile! Listen, I'm a very jaded man. Sometimes I dont seem like it, but online quizzes say I resemble Montgomery Burns the most out of the Simpsons's cast. How hard is for a script to make Montgomery Burns smile in page 1? And yet yours did. I loved it! Maybe the pile up in the end was one cherry too many on top, but overall its excellent!

Loved the bar scene. Liked the Star Wars reference, although I'd advise measure and moderation in homaging the classics, you want to stand on your own after all, make your own mythology!

I loved reading Rus's review, how does that man do it??

One thing you ALWAYS do, and for the life of me I dont know HOW, you always make me root for your protagonist. Goddamit, it doesnt matter if its a zombie or a klutz out of place in Alaska or a drunken overweight drop-out pirate, you make it so ... irrestible to root for them! So yes, I have to echo the sentiment that out of most scripts in SUBLIM, this is one I look forward to the most to read the rest of. Luckily I dont have to wait a whole lot more!! :)

Man, my respects. Last bit of advice: go buy a book named STORY by Robert McKee right now. I say this as someone who really really wishes the best for you.. do it man, you'll thank me later :)

Great great work! 

rated! Now finish the damn script! 

EZEQUIEL

I'm so crispeh

I'm so crispeh... :)

This opens the synopsis:

 In the somewhat ditant future...  

 Should it be distant?

"The stronger the imagination, the less imaginary the results."--Rabindranath Tagore

As long as you don't have Eddie Murphy star... I can't see what could co wrong.

Its always darkest before the punchline.