RED SUN RISING Full Script (Round 3)

 Hmmm....You know, the montage in the beginning works for me, even though the floating hologram screens are rather cliche at this point (like flying cars and hoverboards).  The dialogue on the back end could be a little cleaner, a little more natural, but it works...

 However, and this is a big however: I think the subject matter might not be only controversial, it might be offensive.  I don't know if this could or would ever get made since it basically casts a whole nation in the "villain" role, a nation that has an American ally, willing or not, for so long.  I'm not sure if the children of the people who still remember Hiroshima will enjoy being cast in that light. 

Of course, I might be grasping at straws.  It might not be as controversial as I think. Who knows?  I would think you are better, however, in going with a fictional antagonist. 

"There Comes a Time in Every Man's Life When He Must Spit on His Hands, Hoist the Black Flag, and Start Slitting Throats."

-HL Mencken

I wonder if Russia and Cuba were offended by RED DAWN.  Blatant military invasion movie as it was.  Actually I don't think it really matters, because it was a fictional movie and a good action flick. And it obviously did well.

I seriously doubt the entire nation of Japan would be offended by a movie about an Evil Business Corporation trying to infiltrate an entire country.  There's a lot of movies about Evil American Corporations killing people and making money, why not another country?

LOL - I was only addressing your remark about it being controversial and offensive.

I think the Logline plays it just fine.  I think the Japanese would make a fine villain, seen several before.  And I seriously don't think anyone will take into consideration that Japan is our ally and it could be deemed offensive. If a filmmaker were truly worried about offending people, I doubt we'd see half the movies we do.

The idea is to create a new angle.  I don't like the idea of multi-national, because to me thats the European goto.  And I want to bring in the strong Japanese business ideals and structures, taken to an overboard extreme.  Not to mention, the idea of Yakuza type death squads, and all the visuals that might entail.

As I said, someone's always bound to be offended.  And despite any tone you might perceive from all this, I do appreciate your comments.

"It's not a lie. It's a gift for Fiction." -- State and Main

Fortune Favors The Bull

Hey!  A new submission!  Finally!

Just a quick word on the conversation preceeding me.  I don't so much mind an entirely Japanese corporation being the bad guy.  But the logline does make it sound like it's the Japanese government behind it, not an isolated corporation.  

So, the first thing that jumped out at me was that this all seemed VERY high tech for less than 5 years in the future.  At first I thought maybe these guys were either super rich or had access to secret government technology....but I doubt a mere private eye would have access to a holographic television (portable nonetheless) or a remote control fly camera in only 5 years.  Maybe there's more to Mason that we don't know...but from the first 5 pages it feels like this script will date itself awefully quick.  And you've got to be a damned kick ass movie (like Escape from New York) to get away with that.

Okay, I lied, that was just the biggest thing I noticed.  The FIRST thing I noticed was the disasterous earthquake in New York.  Does New York get earthquakes?  Do they get monumentally disasterous earthquakes?  I don't know, but I've never heard of one.  I don't know if this is plot relevant or which part might be (New York or the Earthquake) but possibly consider changing either the disaster or the location (Alaska gets earthquakes!  And Alaska is vastly underused in the movies!  Yeah, I'm from Alaska).  Or at least mention the oddity of the giant earthquake in New York durring the telecast. 

Also, most of the dialog is pretty economical at the moment.  Basically just serving it's purpose.  Try sprucing it up a bit.  The dialog over the headsets on the last page is pretty much just exposition.  Make it come more natural.  Remember, these guys have probably had this conversation a hundred times.  What they're saying isn't news to the other one.  And when the reporter cuts to the presidential nominee, have her say something interesting, not just the usual "our condolences...".  Speaking of her, I was confused.  Was she running for re-electing or was she only the first female nominee on the ticket?  If that's the case, you better hope Hilary doesn't get on the ticket, or your script will get dated even quicker!

 Otherwise the synopsis has me somewhat intruiged...I'm always a sucker for one-against-many and the individual-versus-the-conspiracy stories.  So just clean it up and at least think about the points I brought up.  Good work.

Enjoyed the plot everyone loves a good conspiracy theory. Look at how well john Gresham has done

 
I like the title, Red Sun Rising.

 I read the script before reading the comments, its what I always do. And I have to say, from reading the script alone, and the logline, and synop, it really does seem like the whole japanese goverment is trying to take over america. My first thought was "this write has cojones". My second thought was "no one will finance this". See, even if you find a courageous director, a courageous actors, willing to risk their time and reputations, I'm not so sure you'll find a producer courageous enough to risk millions of dollars on getting this film made. Sometimes courage is a must, when we tell the truth, but in this case, how much would it truly, truly change, if you simply made it clear the evil guy is not the Japanese goverment, but a Japanese corporation, maybe called Red Sun? That would instantly make it digestible for producers, and my guess is your story wouldnt suffer much change, if at all.

Anyway, on to the script: I agree that for floating screens and robot flies we need at least 20 years, not 5. And I thought the dig against hillary clinton was intentional, I chuckled :) Good point by OM: NY doesnt really get earthquakes, it would be an oddity. On the other hand, Los Angeles waits for The Big One :) (Hi everyone at LA!).

I liked the characterizations fairly well, although I'm not sure why, it felt like the last page dropped the pace somewhat. Cant put my finger on it. Oh, by the way, you have  a zero instead of an "O" in there somewhere.

Good luck, its a very unique premise, could make a very nice films, I'm thinking.. Minority Report setting, a Manchurian Candidate premise. Could be pretty good.

Cheers! 

Yargh, I like idear, 'tis risky but in't that the nature 'o tha biz? Fer sum reason tha logline din't shiver me timbers as much as others. The newfangled fly idear seems plausible too, no one e'er thought we'd lose our tower twins, but that surely did occur so an earthquake might be possible too. Yer doin good me boy steady as she goes.

Martman

Well, like I said, you can have the earthquake, just make sure one of the reporters mentions this as an oddity.  Have them talk about the last earthquake a hundred years ago and how some scientists were saying one was due, but no one heeded the warning.  Or something like that.  Otherwise you'll have the audience whispering to their partner about whether or not NY gets earthquakes durring the first few minutes, then mentally making plans to check wikipedia later...Better to keep their focus.

I have to agree with a few of the comments mentioned previously, but only a few.

The overall premise is pretty damn cool and I loved the dialog between Mason and Bear in the first five pages. I do agree that your time period should be adjusted from 2012 to say 2025 or 2030, based on the first five pages As you say though, five pages is not enough to explain everything.

As far as offending people-what's wrong with that? When did we all become so damn worried about what other people will think or say about us? What we are talking about here is a movie, a work of fiction. I realize that "Hollywood" filmmaking is a business enterprise first and foremost. In order to get "the deal" you have to live with a certain degree of conformity. But don't toss out an idea just because it might tick off a member of the population from any country, anywhere in the world. True, movies are the largest commodity that the US ships overseas. But if people don't like it, they don't have to go see it. By that rationale, you will make no money and the film will fail at the box office. The truth is, Hollywood makes more money on home video rental and sales than they do at the box office anyhow. Why then should they be worried about greenlighting something different, when all Hollywood spits out today is the same old cookie-cutter crap? Didn't mean to preach but thats my opinion.

I am wondering how things would look if you made your antagonists more topical; Iran, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, or even Russia? Perhaps a comglomerate of the whole lot. It should be a group of individuals that not only stand to gain financially, but personally as well i.e. revenge. Of course this picture takes place in the future and the world stage can look completely different by that time.

Overall, I really dig the premise and I want to read more. The best way to get an audience's attention is to scare them where they live. Make this thing as realistic as possible, given the futuristic setting, and this will get wings.

GO APE!

I didn't say anything before, because frankly, I didn't think anyone would believe me.  But, one of the reasons I started working again on this old script, is that at the beginning of the summer, my wife and I planned a trip to Japan with our kids.  My brother-in-law is stationed at Iwakuni and my wife (military brat) grew up there as well.

We just got back last weekend.  And while I did not speak to any Japanese people about my script, I can tell you that after visiting Hiroshima, I would never think of writing anything offensive about Japan or it's people as a whole. Or any other nation for that matter, regardless of my political views.

I did hear yakuza stories, as they related to dealings with military personnel, and had the opportunity to see incredible sights, like the Peace Memorial at Hiroshima and the A-dome.  And Miyujima island and a famous Samurai crossing bridge, the Kentai bridge.

And while I am writing fiction, it did provide a helpful basis to get a feel for character and background.  Where people are coming from and a clash of cultures.  Though the incorporation of the American language and culture is astounding.

My final thoughts on the Japanese:  Such a reserved and quiet people, we were obviously the loudest people in the country.  Never heard anyone yell, or fight.

And tiny cars.  Tiny cars for tiny roads, for tiny people.

Finally!  Finished, registered and uploaded.  No video pitch, it should stand on it's own merit without my mug.

Came in at 131.  Though, the action scenes would problably shoot shorter.  And adding (in Japanese) to each character speaking for chunks of dialogue takes up a page or two in the end. 

Not that I won't be doing some rewrites.  But I'm happy to step away from it for a little while.