Aimless

Hey!  So, despite the pirate verse, I kinda dug the synopsis.  I'm a sucker for psychological thrillers where it turns out it's not actually psychological.  Plus I've always been a fan of the concept that crazy people just percieve a part of reality the rest of us can't.  PLUS I'm a big Lovecraft fan, which this sounds like it might lean toward (I guess it depends on just what the schizo patient sees as reality). 

As for the descriptions, they could use a little cleaning.  But there are other people on here who will go into detail about descriptoins, so I'll let them.  Suffice it to say, generally try to keep them to things an audience can see.  Don't say Elain is irritated by the boxes (especially when the dialog does a few lines later), but describe her look of irritation as she steps over them.  Etc.  

As far as the script goes, there isn't a whole lot here yet.  Which might be saying something.  You probably want a little more up front, something to catch the audience with.  There's a few good lines, and I like the relationship between Elaine and her friends, but I'd be hard pressed to say I'm interested without having read the synopsis.  

Also, why do her friends treat her like a celebrity?  Is it a running joke?  A random joke?  Has Elaine written a book or been on tv recently?  If so, hint at that in the begining.

Hmm, and I guess my only other comment is on the last scene in her office.  Elaine dissapears here.  Maybe that's how many psychologists act on the job, with the simple non-commital responses, but Elaine's different, remember, there's a movie about her (this one, not in the script...you know what I mean).  So give us an idea of her methods and what makes her stand out.  Of course, maybe this comes at the end of the scene and after the 5 pages, so if that's the case, disregard this paragraph.  

Alright, keep up the good work!

i like the concept

I  usually read everything first, then give a review, this time I'm gonna try to write as I go :)

Okay, I dig the premise, I really like the concept of a mental doctor going slowly mental. Thats a good concept! But I think you can do a better job of describing it, both in the logline and the synopsis. I dont know exactly how, I just feel it can be tightened, craft every word carefully because producers wont go further if they get the wrong impression with the synop.

Okay, on with the script:

Okay, "The Opening Scene Starts with".... personally, I wouldnt use language that takes us out of the story. Whenever you say in a script "we see x and y" or "we hear so and so", the mental image the reader gets, is that of a camera crew looking at a screen. What you wish is to put the reader IN the movie, so dont talk about the movie (as having scenes, for instance) just talk about the story, put us there! Okay, I continue..

 First paragraph could be tightened up, you mention twice that she's talking on the phone. Another thing, dont tell us what she's telling her friends, rather, give her a line where those words are spoken. 

The "you know how much of a neat freak I am" sounds a bit expositiony. We'll learn how much of a neat freak she is by watching her through the movie, we dont need her to tell us, I think.

Page 2 has the same issues as page 1 :)

Alright, I finished it. I think your dialogue is a bit too "on the nose", your characters say exactly what they mean more often than not, I think it would do well to add a little more subtext, more nuance, as that reflects real life better anyway.

In summary, I think you have a most excellent premise, a great idea, and it sounds like your characters go through a full arch too, which is good, but you need to bone up on format. Not to sound like a merchant, but I recomment you buy the book called "STORY" by Robert McKee. Its the best I've ever seen.

Best of luck! 

I agree with a lot of the feedback you’ve already received. I’ll start by briefly reiterating important points that have already been made. Show don’t Tell. An example of this is on page 3, “After some time talking and laughing, Elaine has finished a couple cups of coffee…” tells the reader something. “The table is littered with crumpled napkins and empty coffee cups. Elaine glances at her watch.” shows a scene. We realize time has passed from the description. “She realizes that she has an appointment with a patient soon…” again tells us something. Her dialogue that follows shows us this. Make sure every word you have written is necessary, moves the story forward, and is where it is for a reason. A few other bits of advice:

• Regarding dialogue: Hang out in coffee shops, in malls, at parties, anywhere and everywhere and eavesdrop. Watch movies with characters that are most similar to those you are creating and just listen, perhaps even with your eyes closed. And then write dialog that is more natural, the way people really talk to each other.

• If you have speech on your screenplay software, I’d suggest using it, too. Even though it may sound mechanical and it takes time, it helps. You’ll catch some misuse of words that are spelled correctly, but aren’t what you really mean. Otherwise, gather friends to read each part, and have someone else read the action and description. In these ways, you catch things that silently reading the script doesn’t find. I think this is because it’s easy to see what you think you have written instead of what is actually there.

• Watch for your interchange of words such as your for you’re, there for they’re or their and vice versa. There are also a few formatting errors. You don’t want readers to lose interest because mechanical issues take them out of the story.

• On page 1 Chad is 22 and on page 3 he is 23. Maybe Elaine’s lying to her friends, maybe it’s a typo. Also, Elaine is 27 and her college friends are 31. Was she a prodigy? Gary is talking in the scene at the top of page 4. He needs to be in the scene description.

Kudos for seeking out feedback and for having already updated your script once since it was submitted. Your premise is interesting and I’ll look forward to reading where it goes. Keep at it and good luck.   

"The thing to determine conclusively is whether you are in a comedy or a tragedy."--Dr. Jules Hilbert, Stranger Than Fiction

... you should cast the women in Sex in the City for da Starbucks scene and give it a little more twist.

Hey. New guy.

 I like the script. Cool idea that, if executed well, good be some damn fine cinema.

The only creative critcism I could offer is expostition through character, not character through expostion. its what my screen writing mentor told me once and its stuck with me since. 

Thats all I got. 

Its always darkest before the punchline.

Do me a favor and someone tell Emerson Bixby to kiss my aspiring ASS...he is a no body and obviously he doesn't know what he was talking about..my screenplay placed in a contest and will be announced in Creative Screenwriting Magazine...

I believe their was hundreds of screenplays I competed against rather than 19..Maybe he would of liked it if he was able to read more than 20 pgs. but o well..

Also he cusses too much... that MothaF'n Dumb Fuc* Needs to go get himself an EDU-MA-CATION..PIECE of SHIZZNITT!!

 www.928inc.com