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Contractors Special Logline: A home repair contractor gets his just deserts. Submitted by veenotph on December 16, 2007 - 7:51pm. |
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My First Horror script
Pretty much, this is my first horror script. I've had some thoughts for truly horrible things to happen in a script, but as far as horror, this would be the first one I've written.
Also wrote it in about 4 hours over three days, so there are some things to think about, and I'm sure when it is made into a film, some things will change.
"Lovely", and hope you enjoyed it. It was nice writing on a deadline.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
New version, now readable by Macintosh Computers
Don't ask me why, but the scriptwriting program I use generates pdf files that Macintosh computers using Preview canot read. It works fine with Adobe reader.
So I've uploaded a converted version, that works on PC and MAc machines.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Some changes
Just a few dialog tweaks, and formatting repairs. Also a slightly different ending.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Hmm, I dunno...my Mac can't
Hmm, I dunno...my Mac can't open it w/ preview or Reader.
Darn Computers
Thanks for the heads up. I repaired the file. It is called "Renew Draft 4 Contractors special." I checked it and this one opens up on a mac.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
I read the script. Its a
I read the script. Its a great script. The contractor idea is original. I really want to see this film get made. Even if it doesn't win in the contest, I would still really like to see you direct it. I don't know if the rest of the world is ready for a Steven Gladstone horror film but I sure am.
Oh, and another good think is if it does win the contest, I already have a usable location if I got around to doing it:
Oh, another thing!
Interesting coincidence, but the "well endowed" actress from the call lives on a street called Lafayette.
Point by point!
Alrighthy!!
I'm gonna do one of those comment-as-you-read type reviews. Heeere we go!
My final comments: this would make a perfect episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT. Perfect to a T for that show. It is comedy, it is horror, and Mr. Murphy most certainly practiced till she got it perfect! My respects sir!
High Praise
Thank you, it is high praise indeed.
I like the point by point thing. It is clear.
Spelling mistakes, I hate them, and I apologize for subjecting you to them, they are unacceptable, and will be remedied later tonight.
I will fix the J.M. thing. A note there though. I'm referencing our own John Meredith there. We've chatted about that, and I offered to change it to other initials if he wished, but he is fine with it. For the record my initials are S.C.G. if anyone wished to return the favor, but becareful as my daughter shares the same initials, and she is a bit more vengeful than I. I'm fine with someone using my initials, can't speek for my daughter.
So for your notes, besides formatting and spelling, and again thank you.
#3. No need to see Rico - idea is just to flesh out J.M. #4, did I duplicate his description? I will check it out, thanks.
#5. Should be blackish red water, and as I have some experience with plumbing I can say that, making the "Blackish red water"come out of the waste end of the toilet, and not the tank, will be difficult.
#5 is this a positive or a negative the moaning - yes yes continue comment? I'm not quite positive about the moaning thing, and I'm wondering if you meant that the water and the moaning were clische, obvious, or boring. I'm not arguing with you, I just am not sure of what you mean.
#6. The Snake, I caught that, and thought I had rewritten it to be his "toilet snake", again I will check, thanks. (Did you know that I have three different kinds of "plumbing snakes - all the joy of being a landlord. )
#7 and #8 -Oh yeah, glad that works.
#9 - Shoebees, well that is what the Margate/Ventnor near Atlantic city locals used to call the day trippers. I kind of think this could be developed into a full length film. But in the short, no nothing more about shoebees.
#10, do not apologize for being anal retentive about spelling. I am sorry I missed it, and grateful you have found it.
Comment 15 is especially gratifying. Thank you. I had thought of having him see an apparition or even Mrs. Murphy as her dead self here, but didn't want to give it all away. What do you think?
I'm actually excited by this script. The contest has been really beneficial, so much beyond the actual contest.
I'm thrilled that it works for you. Yeah, tales from the crypt, I can see it, perhaps even a feature - or is that reaching too far?
Thank you for the criticism, and the support. I really appreciate it, and you made it very easy to take.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Stream of typingness!
Sometimes I read scripts all in one go, other times I enjoy reading a little, then writing a little, its fun either way! :)
About the spelling mistakes, well, the reason I apologize is that I remember in the past it would drive me up a wall when all the feedback I got from people was gramma and such. Its a "missing the forest for the trees" kind of thing, and I used to feel like shaking their shoulders (or neck) going "Yes, but what did you think of the idea?!? the idea man, the idea!?" :) Anyway, glad you took it constructively; I do too these days, since I mellowed with age :)
Brackish/blackish, they both work good for me, it gave me the idea of blood!
The "yes yes continue", heheh, I was just imitating Jon Stewart, whenever he's interested in a clip he's showing, he does that. Its a way to say the moaning bit caught my interest, I dont think its cliche, most importantly, you need a "pinch" there to remind the viewer they're watching a horror/comedy, I say leave it there, it works!
I dont think you need to retire the shoebees part either, it gives a little flavor of authenticity/real life to the conversation. If somehow it could tie up further down the road it would be even better, but I cant think how to do that right now.
An apparition of Mrs. Murphy? Well, ... no, I think its just fine the way you have it. After all, that -is- the big revelation; I say its better to give it all in one big dose, rather than split it into less strong halves.
Glad you're excited man! It was a joy for me to read this script, that in itself is a great sign, I think. They say the best scripts are the easiest to read, the ones you're turning pages without realizing it.
Cool cool, and to hear you'll shoot this no matter what, well, all I can say is I cant wait to see it! :)
Thanks for clearing it up
Yeah, I kow abot the spelling, but as a friend of mine said about screenplays "You are asking someone to give you money to make this, the least they expect from you if you want to be taken seriously is proper formatting, spelling and punctuation."
So it is really important.
Also thanks for the clarification, abot the moaning, and the apparition. You got to trust your gut, but it is good to hear from others.
I don't think I'll win, but I'm not sure I want to, I mean what if someone else makes a better film out of my script than I do? Now that would be a horror. :-)
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Actually...
I would prefer if you changed that part of the script.
It sounds like you are going to make a big joke out of it.
With all due respect, I no longer want to be associated with you because of this.
You cant just put a real private person your movie. I am not going to debate this.
You offered to change it, I am accpeting your offer.
I am not sure why you chose my initials, but I am not a psychiatrist.
JOHN MEREDITH
WWW.MEREDITHFILMS.COM
Changed
New draft with a change, as promised.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
No problem John, no reason to yell.
I would prefer if you changed that part of the script.
It sounds like you are going to make a big joke out of it.
With all due respect, I no longer want to be associated with you because of this.
You cant just put a real private person your movie. I am not going to debate this.
You offered to change it, I am accpeting your offer.
I am not sure why you chose my initials, but I am not a psychiatrist.
JOHN MEREDITH
WWW.MEREDITHFILMS.COM
Is this why you dropped me from your crew?
Okay.
I used the same initials that you have, I also used the name of an actress I know, and one of my sisters' married name. I knew a Rico in college.
Obviously you are not a rough hewn contractor in his 30's.
You seemed comfortable before, as you have changed your mind, I'm happy to change it.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
What Fun!!!
I enjoyed reading this Steven... and you created a fun, meaty role for a 40+ year old female... I wanna pat you on the back just for that.
I definitely look forward to seeing this made.
Nice work!
Thanks
I'm glad, I am thinking of a friend who is an actress for the part. Perhaps if the script wins, you can stretch and play the 40 year old role if someone does the film in L.A.?
In my script Winter Money, I have a meaty role for a vivacious woman inher 60's.
Hmmmm, This thing for older women, yet I married a woman 5 years younger than I.
(It does alwys seem to come back to my wife and child doesn't it.)
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Works now!
Alright!
Well, it's definately well written. Good characters, great dialogue. Very nice.
It's funny that Marco hated JM so much at first as I kind of felt sorry for the guy. I took him as some shmuck who was just trying to get by and took on too much and wasn't very good at what he did, but tried. After reading Marco's comments I re-read it and picked up on more that did really paint him as a scumbag, so it was probably just me. Although, I think a shot of Rico using using his hand just fine while he's talking to JM would more clearly paint him as a liar.
I was a little confused there at the end, I admit. I'm not sure how the lady's husband died or how it was related to asshole repairmen...Also don't know how the lady died (or if she did...or if it's important, although I do assume she's a ghost, as the house can change appearance and she can transform into her younger self) And I'd like a line/scene where she lists each kind of repairman that tried to sucker her and she revealed them one by one instead of just saying " they all came out of the woodwork then" and then revealing them at once.
As for a expanding it into a feature...I personally think it works better as a short. Now this is just my personal opinion...but if it were stretched into a feature, it just feels like it would turn into one of those lame psuedo-horror films like "Dark Water." They're all the same...slowly paced, same scares, same half-twist endings. Of course it depends greatly on the quality of the writing...but these classic ghost stories just work better as shorts, I think. Again, merely my personal view, so take it with a grain of salt.
So yeah, all in all I liked it. You're a very able writer. I wish I could write dialgue like that. It does come across more as a straight horror as opposed to a horror comedy. And I don't really see the "practice makes perfect" theme. But I'm not terribly concerned with that. It's a good submission to the contest.
Oh, and depending on how good of friends you are with how talented of a make-up/effects artist, I think this could easily be done under $250.
feature vs short
This reminds me!
I forgot to answer the short vs feature question. Oversimplifying, I see it this way: shorts are "something happens to character" stories. Features are "character quests in search of something" stories. For a feature to work, you need to spell out the quest at the beginning, preferrably in the form of a question, such as "will John Doe find his father?" or "will the lovers reunite" etc. In this short, specially since the ending is a surprise to the characther, I'd say it'd be hard to stretch it as a feature. Leave it as "something happens to (whatever his name initials is now)". My two cents.
Ohhh, and I agree with ouchmouth, listen: if somehow.. not sure how, but.... if there was a way that each contractor died a dead related to his line of work... man, the end would work so much better! Like... the boilerman burned, the plumber drowned, the carpenter is nailed to the wall, things like that??
Feature and shorts
I'll take the second part first
Ohhh, and I agree with ouchmouth, listen: if somehow.. not sure how, but.... if there was a way that each contractor died a dead related to his line of work... man, the end would work so much better! Like... the boilerman burned, the plumber drowned, the carpenter is nailed to the wall, things like that??
Oddly enough, I originally envisioned J.B. (his new name) as having a big 4 inch sewer pipe running through is body. As far as the "Ironic" manner of death, I don't know that I have to write that in the script, do I? The director will be the one to choose whether or not to show that? I could just write something like - J.B. sees dead contractors each who has died an "appropriate" death, - but that is just wordy. I'll let the director come up with the visuals, I am just the writer. :-) (for now.)
I forgot to answer the short vs feature question. Oversimplifying, I
see it this way: shorts are "something happens to character" stories.
Features are "character quests in search of something" stories.
I think that is an excellent way of describing it. While obviously
for a feature I would have to expand a lot of the script, it probably
does just work better as a short. My wife is convincing me to write the
other Horror film I've been thinking about for years.
As far as
films go, I know we discussed this before. I still feel that at the
core, a film is about redemption. The audience wants to see and feel
someone else acheive redemption. It is comforting and prvides hope for
us that we can also be redeemed. Horro films have their own twist on
this, I suppose action films do too. With horror films it isn't so much
about a character acheiving redemption (for a past action, bad choice,
mistake) it is about balancing the books. Somewhere a wrong has been
done to someone, an injustice, and the "Force" is out balancing the
books. The force isn't (usually) a character, so there is no restraint,
no equalizing, the force goes too far in seeking the "balance the
books", and so throws things out of whack again. Of course this is a
generalization, and thus has its flwas, but this is how I've come to
see the essense of horror films.
I'm glad tha there is so much to discuss.
Thanks again.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Reply
Thanks for coming back and reading it, I appreciate your feedback.
A couple of points, but I'm not arguing what you said, which are all valid, and very important.
J.M. is now J.B. He was J.N. for a bit, but now I have settled on J.B. which references no person that I know or have ever interacted with. I uploaded the newest version a few moments ago, so I just want to be clear. I kept the intials because I really like the line where he says "Go for J.B.", perhaps I ought to kill this darling, but you got to like somethings about your movie. :-)
I can see the whole, wanting to see Rico thing, but I'm not sold. It is another shot, another location, another actor, wardrobe, time in the film to show us what we have already heard from J.B., I mean if we wanted to show that J.B. was lying, then cut to Rico when J.B. is talking, but then all it shows is that Rico is working, J.B. may not know what is going on. It isn't as if showing Rico shows the audience that J.B. is a liar, we know he is a liar from his conversations. Still a director could easily choose to show Rico, I mean a script is a script, and the movie grows from the script, but isn't exactly the script.
As far as your feeling sorry for J.B. in the beginning, that thrills me. Seriously. It means I have the "Contractor archtype." down. There really isn't time to delve into "character" in a short, and I think the Mildred/Mrs. Murphy character comes accross a more "fleshed " out. "Slimy" contractors are really very good at finding excuses, and sharing their life problems with clients. I'm working with one now, and I've told him that while on a human level I'm sorry that he had to spend the day sorting out his sons passport problems so his son could visit relatives, he promised to be somewhere and work on my job, and to not even call, when I've rearranged my day, and lost work to be there when he said I needed to be was inexcusable.
So I feel good, like I nailed the "Character Archtype" The scene in the Diner/cafe is to add a little more nuance to the script, really give us a reason to dislike J.B. on a personal level, and to help cement the Mildred/Mrs. Murphy connection.
The Lady's husband hanged himself, not being able to handle the loss of the children. I can see now that it wasn't clear, thanks. I'll touch that up, that he is hanging by a noose around his neck (of course hard to do with small basements.)
I'm not sure I want to "List each sin", i've thought of it, but as Marco said about another point, it is just dragging it out. Although it is also the denoumont (sp?), I think how that is handled becomes a directors choice, but a good point nonetheless, thanks.
Yeah I may be reaching for a feature. :-) I agree with you about partly fleshed out horror films. However I did think "Ghost Story" was really excellent as a feature film.
Thanks for the comment on the dialog, I sweat that part so much, changing a word, a tense, a comma. Tying to get the tone just right, and keep each character to have their own voice.
I still don't think this could really be done so cheap, we will see. Of course if I find a really talented art director, and makeup artist, who knows, but corpses that have been hanging for 30 or 40 years, need the right wardrobe, and old dusty rope, and convincing make-up. Dead bodies, aren't free. And it will take at least two shooting days. So unless the art director and make up person want to work for free and they are good, that's money. Then again I live in N.Y., which means film students think their films are more improtant than working on non film student films with professionals, and professionals need to be paid, plus the cost of props, and make-up. SAG will probably insist on a Stunt coordinator because a character has a noose on his neck (which makes sense.) If I go Sag. So it wold be interesting to see what can be done.
My only for cheap crew would be that the writers strike is going on, and a lot of people aren't working. Of course there is ALWAYS production insurance, that alone is like $800 for a weekend.
Thanks for the comments.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Charlie Big Potato
As a piece, I thought you did a pretty good job bringing the
horror. I like the bodies in the basemant, but the husbands
corpse lifting his head and smiling was just crazy-go-nut
creeppy. Loved that. Here's the the thing; seems that
for VOAT you have to bring the comedy as well as the horror, and I
didn't see that on the page. Not for nothing but if you thought
part of this was funny, you need to high-light it so I can see
it. It's entirely possible that the jokes went right over my
head, but I just didn't see where you had the comedy in this. On
the subject of VOAT, this script could be one of two things for this
competition; the best damn thing that ever happened or the fucking
worst. If I were trying to shoot this, I'd be fucked. Down
here, none of the houses have basements. I'd have to figure out
how to pull that off in editing. Make-up effects are another huge
problem as well, figuring you'd have to do multiple rotting corpses and
keep the budget under $200. Still and all, those are some
interesting challenges I'd love to see these directors try and
meet. Good job, man!
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Slammin Review
Hey thanks for the discussion.
I agree with you about the humor. Is it Horror/Comedy? Is it Horror/Humor.
Perhaps, Perhaps not. I do find the concept of a contracor getting their just do to be hiarious, but I easily see that as far as comedy goes, it may be missing.
If that means it doesn't get selected, I am okay with that. No grousing at all. Excellent point, and no I don't think you missed anything concerning the comedy.
I'm writing from my basement, and it is freezing. But I can easily see basements being a problem. With the $250 cap this would be a huge problem to shoot.
Even with the cap lifted, $250 is a lot of money to invest in a film that there will be several versions of, and is so complex.
Frankly, even though I argured against the cap, I'd rather see a good script be selected that could be shot and completed by many different filmmakers at the different levels of their experience, as opposed to a script that was impossible to make on the budget that most of us have (with or without the cap.) After all that is what this competition really was about.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Rewrites for Voat. winner?
You make a good point about the basement thing. Personally if this script won, and you wanted to make it happen in an attic as opposed to a basement. Go for it I say. I'd even be willing to halp tweak the necessary attic changes if you wanted.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Love The Concept
The idea is great. Who hasn't had trouble with a contractor? Perfect guy to hate.
It's the details that are sketchy for me. I think there is a lot more
of the story in your head that isn't getting down on paper. I think
that part of that is because you are leaving it vague so that 10
directors can make their own interpretations. But for me, there still
needs to be more there to interpret.
Conversely, a rule of screenwriting I try to follow whether writing
a short or a feature length is that anything and everything that does
not move the plot forward has to come out, such as the whole "shoe
bees" section. Nice local history, but it has nothing to do with the
story. I'd either incorporate it or save it for a film where it does
have a story element.
I'm confused by the whole forward and backward in time thing. Mrs.
Murphy/Mildred -- stuff in the basement is new/stuff in the basement is
old--is she dead/is she alive. I don't know. I've read it twice, but I
think I'm missing something!
But, then again, it's late, I'm tired and I don't have much experience
with this genre so take what I've said with a huge grain of salt.
"The greatest journeys are the ones that bring you home."--The Namesake
The film is not for you.
I think the film isn't for you. I appreciate that you've put in the effort. I'm not sure how the basement is failing, and would be happy to hear more detailed thoughts on it, if you wish.
The "Shoebees" thing. Yeah, I totally understand your point about, if it doesn't forward the pliot, then don't use it. Especially in a short, where there is just so little time to accomplish things. So I can't say ou are wrong there. Originally there was no waitress, no cafe scene. J.B. just went down to the basement and that was his doom. His leaving to get something to eat is a stretch, but I needed the film to take longer. I needed to develop that he is not a nice person - as a director I worked with once said to me, he needed to put a scene into his movie to make the audience hate the villian, absoloutely hate the villian so to make them feel good about his getting killed by the hero.
I need some inane dialog there, if I make it specific to the house, then I end up more than hinting something is up at the house. Also the waitress's costume is old style, the other waitress will be dressed contemporarily. So the reference to SHoebees, harkens to the past. Little hint, didn't want to give it away. Perhaps I can be more definitive about the era of Mildred's clothing in the descriptor.
sounds like I'm defending my work, yuck, i hate doing that. i'm interested in hearing more about how it isn't working for you in the basement, if you are interested. Otherwise, It probably isn't the film for you. I didn't like the film "Gracie", although really it was a film that many people enjoyed. I don't have any morein my head about this script that i haven't put down, I think it is complete as is (although i think it could be expanded to a feature, but it would be significantly different as one.)
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
I have to admit, I don't
I have to admit, I don't see how the scene with the waitress villifies the main char. I mean, I like the scene...I like the "shoe-bee" bit. I disagree that every scene needs to move the plot forward, I think plenty of great scenes serve only to establish tone or character or whatnot.
I'm guessing this bit here is the part that should make us hate him:
"What, invest my money in some
dump just to hope it gets sold?
I'm a contractor, I fix other
peoples problems. Now how about
another beer? I got time for a
quick one, what do you say? I'll
take care of you real nice.
"
I was actually confused by the waitresses reaction, and assumed she just assumed something wrong. Was JM(oh whoever, my draft still says JM) asking her for...a quickie? t reads to me like he just wants another beer. Anyway, I'm confused and wondering what was meant here.
Sleezy
Bing bing Bing, he's thinking of a quickie. He's not really serious in it, which is why he wants the tip shared betwixt the two waitresses. It really is just a bit of built in harrasment he is used to throwing around. Later when he says real nice to himself, that is the cue for Mrs. Murphy/Mildred that now is the time.
If he had asked for a beer and the waitress said no, well the scene would have changed.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Dangerous Beauty
See, here's where I think we're going in two opposing
directions. I actually like the contractor. I think if you
want to make him an asshole, he should be responsible for
fucking the plumbing into cocked hat. That way, when he gets his,
we're all on board. The thing I think we've got to get here is
that all of the elemnts have to be waaaay out of proportion because you
only have ten minutes to get the whole thing out. Character is
going to have to get done really fast so making him the bad guy all the way through makes it work faster. Just a thought.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Hope
We all want to like contractors. They represent hope, and progress, and improvement.
That they usually fail to deliver holds more sting for us.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Fallen Angels
Huh? Dude, I know a shitload of contractors, from guys that do
crown molding exclusively to cats that build bridges in Chicago.
Weekend-rich or millionaires, they're pretty much all the same;
blue-collar guys with little or nothing that goes beyong your average
Beltway philosophy. Where you get this "hope and progress" thing
from is a little left-field for me. And besides, what difference
does it make to the story? Seems ot me that, if what you're
saying is in fact true, then you would need to go even further out of
your way to paint this guy as an asshole.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Danger in exposing
Too much talk.
I had the pleasure of video taping an interview with Francis Sternhagen. She was discussing how actors use moments in their lives as part of their preparation for performances in their roles. She related athe following story: During an acting class, she gave a very powerful performance. The teacher said "You used something very personal in your preparation", she replied "Yes". The teacher said "Don't tell us what it is. Because if someone scoffs at what you use for your preparation, then you will never be able to use that again."
One ought not to talk too much about their motivations, and feelings that lurk behind their creation. I have created a script, it does what I want. The actors will act and the film will be made. The actors will use their own inner feelings to bring life to the characters. If an actor gives me a scream of terror, but is thinking of their happiest day of childhood when they got all their toys, won every game they played, do I care?
I got what I wanted, what does it matter how I see a contractor, and if it is different than how you see contractors? You like the guy in the script. Cool fabulous, wonderful. Keep liking him. If you feel bad for him because he really is a good guy, and just got lumped in with some bad apples, that's fine.
Personally I always hate when the good kid in the movies gets everything thrown his way. For example Harry Potter. Yeah sure Malfoi is a stinker, but the Slytherin house wond the points competition. The Bonus points were just weak things to "balance to scales." Why was the Griffindor house more deserving? Does any one care about the other people who were in essense cheated because of favoritism?
Happy with Dissenting opinions.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Top O' The Morning
First off, let me apologize for the harsh tone in my previous
post. I in no way meant for that to come off like it did.
Sorry about that. That said, I'm responding to the character on the page.
Not your motivations or intentions. So, I suppose what I
meant previously was that I'm not naturally predisposed to hate
contractors, which may be important in seeing the comedy (which got
this whole thing strted). Yes, you nailed the horror, the whole
thing is creepy, but in the context of VOAT, I don't see the comic
elements that must present according to the rules. Like I said,
it's just one guy's opinion.
Now, you are more than welcome to
accept or ignore any opinions you like, most especially mine. But
let me ask this; if you're happy with what you've written, if you see
no need to bend it or sway it (or at least explain it), then why are we
having this debate at all? Why are you wasting time posting it
here instead of going ahead with the film and posting the finished
product? In that case, we'd all get to see exactly what you
intended the finished film to be and the debate over comedy/horror
would be completely moot. Something to think about.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Be-cuz
First off, let me apologize for the harsh tone in my previous
post.
Felt no tone, just good questions. Sorry if I got defensive.
That said, I'm responding to the character on the page.
Not your motivations or intentions. So, I suppose what I
meant previously was that I'm not naturally predisposed to hate
contractors, which may be important in seeing the comedy (which got
this whole thing strted). Yes, you nailed the horror, the whole
thing is creepy, but in the context of VOAT, I don't see the comic
elements that must present according to the rules. Like I said,
it's just one guy's opinion.
I understand the predispostion. I'm a landlord, and although a very good one, we suffer under a negative stereotype. As I say "Landlord - the longest four letter word in the English Language."
Although I find a certain hilarity in the demise of contractors, I agree with you that as far as comedy goes, this script pales. How that affects it in the VOAT competition I let others choose. I think that it is too complex for VOAT, and actually think Hellion is much better suited for the competition. It may have the best chance for showing differences by each director.
But
let me ask this; if you're happy with what you've written, if you see
no need to bend it or sway it (or at least explain it), then why are we
having this debate at all? Why are you wasting time posting it
here instead of going ahead with the film and posting the finished
product? In that case, we'd all get to see exactly what you
intended the finished film to be and the debate over comedy/horror
would be completely moot.
I post it here to get feedback of course. I've gtten some really good feedback, and some harsh feedback, and I like that there are some who don't see J.D. as slimy, and necessarily deserving of death just for being a contractor. That means that there is enough substance to his archtype that people are reacting to him based on their experience. I also post it here for the opportunty for exposure. As well I want to share it with the Karma Community.
As far as explaining, I kind of feel if you have to explain it, then your film fails. By all means let those who read or watch discuss it. But Spielberg, or Lucas, don't walk out and explain their films to the audience. So Although I'm open to discussing the film, as I wrote, Explaining it too much isn't really great.
I've learned about some things I thought were clear and obvious which weren't, and gotten good feedback about other things. As far as the comedic aspect. I'm happy with what I have concerning that, I don't want to change it. If it isn't funny to some, or not comedic, so be it. If that eliminates it from Voat, well, I've gotten a lot out of participating in VOAT, and understand that there are other films that fit the criteria better. I'm not bending this film into something it isn't, so it will just stand or fail on its own.
Thanks for the discussion, I appreciate your thoughts, and input. I hope my answers are clear.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
Yeah, he could be returning
Yeah, he could be returning to the same house except years later. So he's responsible for killing the kids. That could be a thought. I kind of liked it the way it was though.
J.B.'s Contracting
This script made me giggle... Not because it was a comedy or anything, but because it hit me a little close to home.
See, my Husband is a contractor, and his company name is JB's Contracting.
Check out his website: www.jbiblescontracting.com
Sadly, I have to agree that many Contractors are slimey, dishonest cheats... My husband has worked with enough guys who fit that mold, and even though he is the rare, honest and fair contractor, he tells me yucky stories about other guys who over charge and underperform... That being said, the evil contractor archetype may not be universally understood, especially to people who aren't yet homeowners. So the more you can do to make JB seem all the more obviously despicable, the better. I thought his hate-ability came through really well, but that may be because I'm too familiar with the archetype.
As for the story as a whole, and the scary ending, I really dig it. There is something satisfying about seeing a woman take revenge on various building professionals.
I agree that this isn't a comedy as written, but I think the concept could work as a horror/comedy with a few dialogue tweaks and a re-working of the Mrs. Brown character. If she was a real whipper of a smart-ass and did more funny, taunting things to her victims before killing them... and if she did as the other commenters here suggested, and gave each contractor an amusingly fitting death, that could up the humor factor... She could give each guy a twisted nickname and proudly display them to her next victim... "Meet Pete, the Pain-in-the-Ass Painter. He never expected his painter's pole would get shoved that far up his... well. It did turn him a lovely shade of blue, now didn't it?"
Cool
Thanks for the feedback, and some really good thoughts.
I that would be for the feature, but I will definetly think about working it into the short.
I like the Pete the Painter man, not so much the painting pole thing, but the lovely shade of blue is a nice touch.
Steven Gladstone
Director/Cinematographer
http://www.gladstonefilms.com
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