Barenaked Survivor

"No food, no men, NO CLOTHES."  What a tagline, eh? Well, it served its purpose in my case, offering two tantilizing things; a parody of something I absolutely hate (reality TV), and beautiful, naked women. In a testament to how lame I am, I learned that I expected too much from something that offered so little; Penthouse pets on an island. To my shagrin, I found that I've become so "mature," that a film needs more than just tits on a beach to hold my interest.  How depressing.

In my defense, the film offers a variatable "who's who" from softcore porn and Penthouse pages. Softcore legends Julie K. Smith and Shauna O'Brien head the cast that includes the super-sexy Alexus Winston, Aimee Sweet (who I adore), Aria Giovanni (who I have lusted after for about six years now) and the surprisingly butter-faced Tess Broussard, who I had never heard of before, and with good reason. Who would have thought that tits like those could be overshadowed by such an ugly face? Rounding out our merry cast is Lenny Juliano as Cliff Probate, the doofus in charge of the whole contest thing.  Oh yeah, there's a contest.

In the retarded spirit of Survivor, the girls are supposed to do moronic tasks for points, and of course, there is voting out of the tribe, but the "plot" (HA!) is so mundane and the tasks are so idiotic that the viewer can't help but hope there is an active volcano, a giant gorilla, cannibalistic natives, malaria; something that will just kill these fuckers off. But that never happens.  Instead, we are given ample titties, upon which the viewer says, "Hey look, tits." But they are hardly a saving grace.

This film is hardly what one might call "erotic cinema." So weak compared to other softcore films, Barenaked Survivor barely rates the hard "R", and dangerously toes the PG-13 line. The best part is a scene where Aimee Sweet strips of her panties, graciously and mercifully showing her bush as she's engaged in conversation with Winston.  Yes, conversation.  About lipstick.  The film's promise of lesbian scenes are reduced to some watered down, soft petting and kissing.  In a word, unsexy. Nobody thought to bring dildos to the island, I guess.  Oh bother.

I cannot recommend this film at all.  Unless you are a hopeless, infatuated fanatic of one of the girls, there's nothing here for you.  To summarize, I'd like to quote Grey from Ezequiel's On a Dark and Stormy Night, where he so eloquently states, "What's the big deal?  It's just a pair of tits."  And how, brother.