Friday the Thirteenth

Ahhh, the boys of summer are swiniging the ol' lumber, the air
smells of Coppertone and the bitches are stuffing Maraschino cherries
up their asses in Panama City. Summer's here. Time to dust
off an old standard.

Here's the deal: fuck it, man, if you don't
already know the story, empty your drool cup, turn on the Teletubbies
and leave the rest of us alone, asshole.

Halloween built the mold, but Friday the Thirteenth
put it into mass production. Seven sequels, thousands of
knock-offs and a decade later, we all got bored with it, but in the
summer of Anno Domini 1980, Sean Cunningham and Tom savini shot to
super-stardom in the hearts and minds of horror fans 'round the fucking
globe. A tiny, independent movie packed with naked hotties, edged
weapons and as much fake blood as the fellas could muster took the
nation's paying audience by storm and created the framework for the
horror movie franchise. Yes, folks, it all started here.

It's
not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagiantion. Some
scenes look as though Ray fucking Charles lit them and once you know
the tricks that Savini was up to, it's not all that hard to see the
seams in the make-up. For many, it won't hold up to muliple
viewings. But for those out there like me, it's aged almost
perfectly and become one of those flicks that we keep coming back to,
like the swallows to Capastrano, or a Thai hooker to a fat American
businessman. It's comfortable and always pays off.

I have
many a theory as why this film was so popular in spite of its
shortcomings. Most of them are tied tightly to dickless critic
fucks like Siskel and Ebert. But almost thirty years on, I find
the charms of this little confection to have matured nicely. It's
got chicks in bikinis so small you could find the clitoris without
removing a single stitch, that alone makes it worth at least one solid
viewing a summer. I could've lived my whole life without seeing
Kevin Bacon in Speedo, but fuck it. Mix in some throat slashings
and an axe to the face and you've got a perfect way to pass a rainy
summer afternoon.

Get it and love it.

Save Yourselves,

'Nuff Sugar