The Front PageThe Film of the DayThe Latest Radio BroadcastThe Latest KarmaCritique
The Latest PostsThe Latest Comments |
One Last Bullet PDF File: Logline: One last bullet. The first was meant for you, but this one will have to do. Next year's short film project. Submitted by Brendan Morrisey on August 15, 2008 - 6:23pm. |
User loginThe Latest Donations
The Latest PollBest Actor Of All Time In The Gangster/Crime Film Genre Al Pacino: The Godfather Trilogy/Scarface/Carlito's Way/Donnie Brasco/Serpico 29% Ray Liota: Goodfellas/Cop Land 14% Robert De Niro: Goodfellas/The Godfather Part 2/Mean Streets 29% James Cagney: White Heat/Angels With Dirty Faces/The Public Enemy 14% Marlon Brando: The Godfather Trilogy 0% Joe Pesci: Goodfellas/Casino/A Bronx Tale 14% Total votes: 7 Friend Sites(in no particular order) |
Oh dang, someone get this
Oh dang, someone get this out of the spotlight.
Mr. B
I like the concept.
Good work.
Hey John,
Give me some criticism! You're pretty good at it.
LOL!
That's funny.
Cells
Okay, you want it, you've got it.
1. Your gangsters' dialogue needs a polish. Too much on-the-nose. Ex.; "Of course I see it. Just take out your gun and smack her again." Works better as: "No shit. Just fuckin' pop her another." Same place as before, only not as "Hey Look at what jimmy's doing with his penis, guys!"
2. What Kind of restraints can she break out of when she's out of the trunk that she can't break while she's in it?
3. Dude, you kiddin' me with this dialogue? Write like you talk, at the very least. And no, you don't talk like that, I promise. Arti/Rich scene needs much work.
4. Knock it off with the on-the-nose. Rich shouldn't go out like that, plus total missed opportunity to give Jessica some character.
5. Finally some good dialoge. Jessica/doorman works. Don't change a thing.
6. Alright, you need to take out about a third of what everyone says in this thing. You've got a good little story (frankly, I think it should be bigger, longer, meaner, but it's your deal, so I'll just fuck right off on that score), but it falls apart when someone starts talking. Nobody ever talks about the plot. In real life, people who talk about the plot are the geeks you wouldn't spend more than twenty minutes with on a fucking dare. Some broad starts talking to you about the plot, I don't give a tinker's fuck if she's Anna Ward, you'll leave that bitch for the frat-brats in half a fucking second. If they're saying what's happening, get it the fuck out. Go get a copy of Glengarry/Glennross and watch it until your ears and eyes bleed. Ditto Deadwood, The Wire, Firefly and The West Wing (Seasons 1-4). The steal from those guys. Steal big time, baby. Rip 'em off and don't look back.
As for the rest of it, you better put something good down when you shoot it. Elsewise, I'll rap ya fuckin' head in wit a ratchet. Take care, man.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Brutal honesty puts
Brutal honesty puts everything right back into perspective for me.
You're right about the dialogue. Dialogue has always been my biggest flaw. Funny part of this though is that the majority of it is from the co-writer. Should've put more thought into it though.
I do have one aspect I want to defend. I wanted Jessica to have an adrenaline rush when she see's the garbage bags. The whole mother lifts car to save kid kind of scenario.
I'm going to start re-working this right away.
Precious
Look man, what I'm telling you is that this story could be bigger, longer, meaner. Take a breath here and consider what you'd rather do; spend time and money shooting this or put your energy into getting a really strong feature-length screenplay out of a really intersting story. You've got the kernel of really tight idea. Why not give it room to breathe and see what happens. Now, I'm not saying don't shoot the short, I'm just saying you've got a much bigger story here than you seem to think. hink in terms of Kill Bill, or Man on Fire. I think you've got a doable flick here. As far as the kid in bags goes, careful, bro. This isn't Inside. Play to the crowd......And win your freedom!!!!
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
In Pulp Fiction
the henchmen were talking about hamburger names at McDonald's in France..."Royale with cheese."
Ten Ton Brick
See. Long as it's cool as shit, doesn't matter what the fuck they're talking about.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
Two more questions..
Is there any lines or pieces of dialogue from the henchmen you'd keep? Or am I better off throwing it all out the window and starting anew?
And when you say Rich shouldn't go out like that, do you mean Arthur, the husband? Or the guy who gets shot in the car?
Camel Walk
Keep the Doorman/Jessica exchange. Get the rest of it down. Don't try and tell the audience shit that you're going to show. Show it and have the characters talk about goldfish or some shit. seriously think about what the characters would say. What would you say? That's a place to start. You want to take it further, what would Vic Vega say? Pull that one off and you'll win yourself a nice little prize.
Yeah, Rich is the Boss's right hand. Don't give him the asshole like that. Make him go out cool. Also, why does the doorman get a pass? Why doesn't she just go ahead and blast him, or stab him in the neck or something. Come to think of it, why doesn't he remark as to why she's fucked up (I'm only assuming she didn't bother to go home and freshen up after wasting the Henchmen)?
Just one guy's opinion, man.
If it's just ridiculous, it's bad.
IF IT IS RRIIIDDDIICCUUULLOOUUSS, then it's okay.
CHECK IT
I beg of you not to make a short film titled "ONE LAST BULLET".
Save that title for a feature! it's a great title!
EZEQUIEL
Terrific
rhythm, rhythm
good advices from bigsugar
fix that and you will get a good one
Yo Ho!!!
Post new comment