Bitches, Bastards, And Badassery

And away we go!!

Post your opinion.  And if we've left someone out, let us know.  Most support posts wins!!

Scream Queen:

Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween, Halloween II):  Near, if not total, perfection.  Innocent eyes, demure smile, and a cheerleader's body that was constucted by the Almighty for the sole purpose of fucking.  The kind of girl that makes you seriously consider throwing yourself under Michael's knife on the off chance you'll get to look up Jamie's skirt right before you die.

Heather Langenkamp (A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors):  Another hottie who I'd love to have on the swallowing end of my dick.  She faced down Fred Kreuger three times; won on the first one, lost the second one and I don't know what the fuck happned on the last one.  Be that as it may, her bid to reinvent the shower scene revealed that she's got the best knees in horror.  And a fine, fine ass as well.

Adrienne King (Friday the Thirteenth, Friday the Thirteenth Part 2):  Anything that Jamie Lee Curtis might've left on the field from Halloween, Adrienne picked it up.  No doubt, she's a Seventies babe who looks like she'd probably be more at home at Plato's Retreat, but at Camp Crystal Lake, she deals out the death blow to Mammy vorhees like a champ.  If she fucks half as good as the beheads psycho bitches, fellas this broad'll own your ass.

Dana Kimmell (Friday the Thirteenth Part3: 3-D):  Odd choice?  Perhaps.  But consider this; if you follow the story of Friday 3 (what little there is, anyway), Dana's character, Chris, may have survived being raped by Jason.  That's right, she may be the only character in the history of slasher films to have taken a cock lashing from the hockey mask.  That alone puts her in rarified air, brothers and sisters. 

Jennifer Cook (Friday the Thirteenth Part VI: JAson Lives!):  She drives a Camaro.  And the camel-toe shot.  So fuckin' sue me.

Janet Leigh (Psycho)  Hitchcock may be the master of suspense, but I'll always be a little pissed that we don't get to see Janet's pirme titties in a five fucking minute long goddamned shower scene!  Think how much more iconic it would've been if he'd shot it like the opening of Dressed to Kill.  Tight.  On her bush.  For three minutes.

Tippi Hedren (The Birds):  I'd fuck her.  Not now, but you know, back in the day, I'd have stained that secretary outfit like a motherfucker.

Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator):  Dig it; a severed head get up-close-and-personal with this woman.  So much so, that the motherfucker could do a spot-on charcoal rendering of the woman's puss-puss.  Say what you want, that's one helluva brave actress.

Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp)  Brings new meaning to the whole "queen" bit.

Judith O'Dea (Night of the Living Dead)  Looks like the kinda girl whose dad would come after you with a shotgun if he smelled your dick on his daughter's breath (Yes, it can happen, O me brothers).  Also, her character pisses off feminists, which is a wonderful thing in this day and age.

Ashley Laurence (Hellraiser, Hellbound: Hellraiser II):  for my money, the hottest broad on the list.  She was the first one to bring a sexual aspect to her character as well as the vulnerability.  And good Christ, she's got a rack that makes all the Legioned Angels fucking proud.

(If I left anyone out, put 'em down below and make your case.)

Best Horror Move Director

John Carpenter (Halloween, John Carpenter's The Thing, In the Mouth of Madness):  Between Halloween and The Thing, Carpenter all but rewrote the rules of horror.  Adding a stunning control of his craft to a visceral story became his mainstay, and while he may have fallen off in recent years, the impact his work has had on the genre is immeasurable.

Sean Cunningham (Friday the Thirteenth):  What Carpenter did for the art, Cunningham did for the business.  By bringing red meat to mainstream America, the old boy notched a few million into his pocket and proved to Hollywood at large that those stupid little horror flicks could turn a profit.  The man virtually invented the film franchise.

Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergiest): Ridley Fucking Scott calls Texas Chainsaw the prime example of a horror movie, thanks in no small part to the unnerving camera and trwisted speed of the movie.  You can thank Tobe for that.

John Landis (An American Werewolf in London, Innocent Blood):  Right, the cat who directed Animal House and The Kentucky Fried Movie wants to do a horror movie?  As dumb as that idea may sound on the face of it, the man brought humor to the mix without dulling the horror.  In fact, American Werewolf sat on his shelf for a number of years, dismissed as being too funny to be scary or too scary to be funny.  Suppose the idea of the one complimenting the other never crossed anyone's mind.  Thank you Mr. Landis.

Don Coscarelli (Phantasm, Bubba Ho-Tep):  The flying fucking ball and Angus Scrimm.  Yes, motherfuckers.

David Cronenberg (The Dead Zone, The Fly) I once heard somebody say that all of this cat's movies are horror films.  Hard to argue with that.

Sam Rami (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn):  Punk rock and I disagree on which Evil Dead is better, but Rami's chops are not up for discussion.  The man seems to have fed high-quality crack to his camera and D.P., then cut 'em loose on Bruce Campbell.  Nothing even remotely like it has come down the pike in over twenty years, and it ain't likely to be comin' anytime soon.

Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator):  Nice, sweet guy who stuck a severed head into Barbara Crampton's pussy.  Gotta love that Jungian thing, man.

Dario Argento (Suspiria, Opera, Deep Red):  Style to spare and an obvious love of gore, this cat runs hot and cold.  I thought the implied sexual tension in Suspiria was fucking tight, but many think he's so far over the top as to be invisible to the naked eye.  They may be right.  We'll see after Brett Ratner does a remake of the Exorcist.

Wes Craven (Last House on the Left, A Nightmare on Elm Street):  He gave Freddy the glove and Kroog a taste of his own medicine at the end of a chainsaw.  I'm willing to overlook his blasphemy with Scream movies based on those two things alone. 

Frank Henlotter (Basket Case, Brain Damage, Frankenhooker):  I hear in his new movie, a guy builds a steam-powered Fleshlight for his insatiable 18 inch cock.  Lucky man.

Lloyd Kaufman (The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'Em High):  Uncle Lloyd.  Even if you ignore the sheer brilliance of The Toxic Avenger, it's fucking close to impossible to gloss over the impact this guy has had on the film industry at large.  This is to say nothing of the fact that he started the careers of James Gunn and Bryan Singer.

George A. Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead):  The zombie kingpin himself has proven to be the Coppola of horror films.  No matter how good his new movies are, we all know he'll never reach the level of his early work.  That said, his legacy will outlast us all and be a constant reminder of the ferocity possible in really good horror movies.

Alfred Hitchcock (Psycho):  The Master only ever made one true horror movie, but what a fucking movie it was.  Even a shot-for-shot remake fell flat when compared to the original.  That's the power that a director has.

Peter Jackson (Bad Taste, Dead Alive):  Monty Python spot welded to Lloyd Kaufman, only no tits.  Still, the man who made "the goriest movie ever" deserves some respect, no matter how long and boring King Kong was.

Takeshi Miike (Audition)  dude's just fucked up, man.  Severely.

Best Horror Movie (Part1)

Halloween:  Simply classic. John Carpenter and Dean Cundy brought a double bukkake shot of craftsmanship to the story of a Boogeyman stalking and killing babysitters on the titular night.  If you've never seen it, treat yourself.  If you've seen it, but it's been a while, remind yourself.  And if like me, you're unable to go more than a couple of months without watching it, call me.

Friday the Thirteenth:  Changed the industry forever and brought red meat back to American cinematic diet.  This film, it's inspirations, sequels and imitators provided a flagship of anti-establishent rebellion to the children of the Babyboomers.  It still pisses my old man off.

A Nightmare on Elm Street:  At it's core, another slasher flick, only this one took all the suporting elements and knocked them into the stratosphere.  Using Freddy's backstory, Wes Craven set up a metaphor for the sorry, shit-stained, corrupted American Dream that we, the children of the Babyboomers were bound to inherit.  Then he made a shitload of money and we got to see The Lord of the Rings movies.

Evil Dead:  Punk Rock's vote for best movie ever is, to my mind, a mere taste of what Rami could bring to the circus.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn:  And then came this one.  Four-on-the-floor, no-holds-barred madness in nintey minutes.  Point to a film with more insanity and blood and I'll pay a crackwhore to suck your dick.

Psycho:  With all the gore we've been blessed with over the years, it's easy to forget about this one, but that's a mistake.  Using Anthony Perkins as the ultimate boy-next-door who's completely fucked out of his gourd set the new rules for iconic villains in horror movies.  In forty years, no one has surpassed the squirm-inducing portrayal evil incarnate.

The Exorcist:  A family drama about how a single mother and daughter cope with the slings and arrows of life.  Then the little girl stuffs a cross in her pussy, spins her head around and pukes green shit all over the place.  Friedkin draws you into the characters and then lets the nastiness rip.  Just like it should be done all the time.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:  You gotta love the movie that still has a bad rap with the U.S. Congress.  Not nearly as bloody as it's reputation, but far nastier than anyone wants to admit. 

More to come........