NARCISSISM: The Bottomless Pit Of Me

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people." (Unknown)  

Ego goes with showbiz like peaches go with cream. You can't avoid it. In fact, you need it. But sometimes it goes too far. Left unchecked, it's been ruining this whole lovely KC experience for everyone else. I know I'm not the only one who's sick to death of the relentless self-promotion, the stalking harrassment, and the generally rotten attitude of Ezequiel, and while we're at it, benslappywhite, and so as not to let them feel too special, twilight-ent and a couple of others whose only interest is themselves.

I'm not normally given to quoting others in my blogs, but hopefully attributing what follows to the website  http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm will make it OK. The passage that's coming outlines a particular personality type that's all too common in our business. They're the type that think it's clever to get ahead by being "bad boys"- stepping on other people's heads to advance their careers. By exploiting, conning, using, abusing- anything but doing what I think we stand for here- sharing time, ideas and resources in good faith. 

Lately I've come to think that some of these individuals are incapable of even comprehending the concept of "we." For them, there only exists the bottomless pit of "me." And perhaps they're made that way, since the psychologists have named such retards "narcissists". 

Give the following passage a read I'll be very surprised if you don't recognise someone you know...

"The serial bully displays behaviour congruent with many of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity and self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, people with narcissistic personality disorder overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious, whilst correspondingly underestimating and devaluing the achievements and accomplishments of others.

Often the narcissist will fraudulently claim to have qualifications or experience or affiliations or associations which they don't have or aren't entitled to. Belief in superiority, inflating their self-esteem to match that of senior or important people with whom they associate or identify, insisting on having the "top" professionals or being affiliated with the "best" institutions, but criticising the same people who disappoint them are also common features of narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissists react angrily to criticism and when rejected, the narcissist will often denounce the profession which has rejected them (usually for lack of competence or misdeed) but simultaneously and paradoxically represent themselves as belonging to the profession they are vilifying.

Fragile self-esteem, a need for constant attention and admiration, fishing for compliments (often with great charm), an expectation of superior entitlement, expecting others to defer to them, and a lack of sensitivity especially when others do not react in the expected manner, are also hallmarks of the disorder. Greed, expecting to receive before and above the needs of others, overworking those around them, and forming romantic or sexual relationships for the purpose of advancing their purpose or career, abusing special privileges and squandering extra resources also feature.

People with narcissistic personality disorder also have difficulty recognizing the needs and feelings of others, and are dismissive, contemptuous and impatient when others share or discuss their concerns or problems. They are also oblivious to the hurtfulness of their behaviour or remarks, show an emotional coldness and a lack of reciprocal interest, exhibit envy (especially when others are accorded recognition), have an arrogant, disdainful and patronizing attitude, and are quick to blame and criticise others when their needs and expectations are not met."

...Sound like anyone you know? Of course it does. Now to a few of the better known cures, drawn from a neat little article at  http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200308/omag_200308_beck_d.jhtml: 

"There are four ways to go about dealing with such people. Each approach may be useful at various times, and understanding all four will give you a range of responses to your own least favorite narcissists.  

1. Acquiesce.

The first way of dealing with narcissists is to behave as they want you to. This means placing them at the center of every decision, silencing your own thoughts and feelings, and constantly reassuring them that they are what Jesus would have been like if he'd gotten some therapy. I suggest acquiescence if you enjoy grappling with the urge to hurl yourself in front of a train.

2. Push back.

Narcissists are bullies. They rely on other people's decency and self-restraint to sustain their psychological dominance. Bluntly, assertively refusing to comply with their demands withers them, because in their warped emotional environment, one person in each twosome must always dominate, the other be dominated. If you take the dominant role, narcissists will fall into the "dominated" category without even understanding why.

3. Drug them with praise.

True narcissists are literally addicted to praise. Large doses of adulation can put them into a drugged euphoria. If you find yourself in a narcissist's power, try delivering a dose of ego reinforcement. Don't lie—just say things like "You have amazing potential!" or "Goodness, the things you know!"

4. Drop the rope.

You win a tug-of-war by dragging your opponent across a line on the ground—or do you? If the tug-of-war happens to be nonsensical and destructive, then the way to truly win is to drop the rope. This is my favorite method of dealing with narcissists. As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off narcissistic rage, stop. Walk away. The narcissist will win the tug-of-war. You'll win your sanity. Take your pick.

If you practice any of these behaviors regularly, you will find that life becomes much less frightening. You'll be able to handle any narcissist who happens to cross your path. And you'll learn to climb off your own roller coaster of shame and adulation. This is an act of guts and grace that will help you heal the world rather than hurt it—a legacy no narcissist, however powerful, can ever claim."

...I hope that helps in coming days. Because it's time the decent people re-took this place.