Romance

Brotherhood of the Wolf

BigSugar — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:47:00 +0000

I've got two fucking words for you. Monica. Belucci.

Here's
the deal; a knight and his heterosexual life-mate are sent by Louis the
what-the-fuck-ever to deal with some sort of monster who's killing
peasant broads in rural France. Jaws and Bruce Lee mayhem ensues.

You
know those long, slow, arty fucks that last for a couple of hours and
at the end, you get a spectacular cumshot? Yeah, well this movie
is one of those. The flick clocks in at two-and-a-half hours, but
it's most certainly time well spent. Just about the time you
start sliding into boredom, something really cool happens or at least,
you get some tits. Oh yeah, did I mention that a significant
portion of the flick takes place in a brothel? Where Monica
Belucci's character works? Oh yes, kiddies, if you look close
enough, you get a peek at the lady's bush (or rather the lack threof).

And
once you get past all of that, what've we got? We've got kick-ass
fight scenes, a cool fucking monster, and Vincent Cassel more twisted
than we've seen since Hate. All under the direction of
Christophe Gans who could make a fucking KFC commercial look
epic. The guy puts together shots that give you wood, and piles
them on top of one another so that you have to keep rewinding the
fucking thing to make sure you saw what you think you saw. Think
David Fincher, only amped up.

And Monica Belucci's ass.

Get it and Love it.

Save Yourselves,

'Nuff Sugar.

Sweet Home Alabama

BigSugar — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:26:56 +0000

Here's a new spin on the chick flick; girl leaves asshole husband in
Redneckland, moves to NYC, gets well in the meantime and meets great
guy who she gets engaged to before she goes back home to secure a
divorce from aforementioned asshole whom she gets back with because
he's now a successful buisness owner. Got all that?

I'm a
movie freak, and in effort to relate to me meaningfully, my girlfriend
at the time made me sit through this piece of shit six times.
Read that again. No, I'm not employing hyperbole. Six
fucking times folks. All out of my pocket. So if this
review comes off as bitter or angry, I think the court should allow me
a little lattitude. Reese Witherspoon plays Melanie Smooter, a
NYC fashion designer from Alabama who is finally in the big game.
Her career is on the rise and in a scene that would soak any
sorostitute's panties, she's allowed to choose her own engagement ring
after hours in some high-dollar jewlery store by her fiance, Patrick
Dempsey (Dr. McDreamy or what the fuck ever). Though it might not
sound like it, I'm totally fine with the movie up until this
point. Reese fulfills the dream of damn-near everyone, male or
female, who lives in the Deep South. She got the fuck out.

This is where things start to go wrong.

In
order to get married again, she's got to go back to her tiny little
home town and get her drunk asshole of an estranged husband to sign
divorce papers. Hijinx ensue.

Now, it isn't like I didn't
know what I was in for when I sat down to watch this movie. Reese
Witherspoon could play this kind of role in her sleep, and for what
it's worth, she's probably the best working actress doing this kind of
thing right now. That said, whover wrote this movie should be
flogged with a horsewhip in public. Every joke that's worth
chuckling at was in the trailer that played incessantly in the run-up
to this fucking mess. But even that isn't a transgression so bad
as to merit torture.

No, that would be the ending.

Here's
the thing; this movie wants to tell a romantic story about coming back
to what you left behind to find out what you're missing. That's
all well and good, but what it really tells the story of is a bitch who
can't make up her mind about any goddamned thing, and in her indecision
fucks over a decent guy who doesn't deserve it. So he has a bitch
for a mother. So what? Didn't they make that movie
too? Not only that, but her husband drove her all the way to New
York! He was that much of an asshole! And he doesn't become
any less of an asshole as the movie goes along. He never says
he's sorry for fucking up. He just says "Hey! Don't you miss all
this?" Fuck him. I like Josh Lucas, but he's got nothing to
work with here and you can tell by the almost constant loof
ain't-I-cool on his face the whole movie. Fred Ward apparently
forgot he wasn't making Tremors, and Candice Bergen cribbed all her shit from leftover Murphy Brown. Not that any of that matters much when the script is just one flat joke or cliche after the next.

I've
talked to a number of women about this movie over the years since its
release and I always hear the same thing; "She realized she loved her
first husband and went back to him." Fine. She realizes she
loves her first husband AFTER she realizes she's standing smack fucking
dab in the middle of his successful buisness. Not only that, but
he took something that was a sweet moment between the two of them and
turned it corporate. Now, I wouldn't have a problem with this if
every woman I know wasn't constantly throwing out shit about romance
and true love. Own up to it ladies; you all want men with bank
accounts, fuck romance, fuck looks, fuck cocksize. Money,
baby. And I don't even dissagree with that attitude, but quit
slinging bullshit about honesty and such. Guys want a lady in the
street and a whore in bedroom and women want a man who can afford
it. Leave the rest to the Gods.

As for this movie, fuck it. Get Rendition instead and call it a night.

Save yourselves.

'Nuff Sugar

Atonement

OuchMouth — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:32:13 +0000

This was a movie I went to watch merely because it was nominated for academy awards. Why do I do that? Well, 1, because hopefully that means it will be good. And 2, so I can accurately bitch if it wins out to another movie I was rooting for.

Well, to my surprise, I found that I enjoyed this film alot more than I had expected to. Based on the previews, I thought it would be your standard tragic love epic with great acting and cinematography, but rather cookie cutter pretentious. However, this film is anything but cookie cutter.

The first thing I noticed was the amount of humor found in the film. Well, at least the first 45 minutes. Though I suppose this was to be expected as it was a bit of a coming of age story. The performances by everyone were fantastic. I'm quickly becoming a James McAvoy fan and Kiera Knightly truly is a star. And all the children actors were very good as well. The music definitely grabbed me, though. It was a very interesting and effective melding of sound design and music, which I enjoy very much. The clacking of the typewriter is used as it's own instrument in the score, and the meaning of that really hits home when the film ends.

The other remarkable feat of the film is it's use of non-linear story telling, placing a heavy emphasis on the theme of perception. The movie will often show us events through the eyes of one character, then backtrack and show us what really transpired. Not in the obvious way as done in a lot of modern thrillers...but a more subtle way, befitting the period of the film, and it's literary nature. This structure grows as the whole movie begins jumping through the space-time continuum (so to speak).

And then the ending of the film hits, and it's a true surprise...I won't say what, no worries, but it definitely makes you re examine the rest of the film and really appreciate just how layered the themes and story are. A work of great direction.

However...in the end, despite the amazing music, performances, cinematography (if you havn't heard, there's a 5-minute long tracking shot that will make any film geek need to change underwear), and the rich thematic devices...the story seemed to lack any real impact. Sure, there are surprises, but it was more in structure than actual story. The fate of our characters is more or less evident from the get-go. The circumstances leading up to the mistaken identity that the film hinges on is so obvious from the set up, that it lacks any real tension or suspense. And the final revelation, though interesting and compelling, is in the end, rather bland. Regret. The whole film's about regret. A fancy way of telling us, but not saying anything new about it, really, just that it exists and takes a long time to get over.

In the end...good...close to great, but just missing it.