R

As we gear up for another cock wagging from Oliver Stone, I thought it'd be worth remembering that the fucker has at least one flick that still makes the grade.

Here's the deal:  Charlie Sheen plays F.N.G. Chris Taylor, dropped into the bush with his bullets and balls and nothing else.  A "battle for [his] soul" ensues.

There are very few moments in which I can be accused, rightly so, of horror movie heresy.  This flick is one of them.

Ahhh, the boys of summer are swiniging the ol' lumber, the air
smells of Coppertone and the bitches are stuffing Maraschino cherries
up their asses in Panama City. Summer's here. Time to dust
off an old standard.

Here's the deal: fuck it, man, if you don't
already know the story, empty your drool cup, turn on the Teletubbies
and leave the rest of us alone, asshole.

They don't don't get much more fucked-up than this one, ladies and gents.

Here's
the deal; Oh Dae-Su, not the sharpest of tools in the shed, gets his
ass locked in a shitty motel room for fifteen years. Upon his
release, he's given five days to find the cocksuckers who locked him up
and put a fuckin' hurtin' on them. Crazy-ass hammer violence
ensues.

I've got two fucking words for you. Monica. Belucci.

Here's
the deal; a knight and his heterosexual life-mate are sent by Louis the
what-the-fuck-ever to deal with some sort of monster who's killing
peasant broads in rural France. Jaws and Bruce Lee mayhem ensues.

Well, then there's this fucking movie.

Here's the deal;
A cute teenage girl discovers her sexuality and that she's every man's
nightmare at the same time. Fucking havoc ensues.

Ahhh, 1986.  What a year.  My friends had discovered the
merits of Family Sized bottles of Robitussin (ROBO), and huffing butane
(I came late those parties), and I discovered The Thunder From Down
Under: AC/DC.  And once again, the whole world shifted for me.

Lemme just say this and get it the fuck outta the way; I'd go gay
for David Mamet. On the off chance that pitching or catching for this
man, some iota of his talent would rub off on me. If that sounds a
little strange to you, you clearly haven't seen Spartan.