Tetsuo: Iron Man

BigSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 02:08:03 +0000

By now most of you out there have heard of the Fleshlight, but if you haven't, it's basically a flashlight filled with foam rubber, then dug out in the shape of a vag. What you do is, you squirt some KY in that bastard, then stick your dick in it and jerk off. I'm holding out for stem cell research to develop a cod-piece that has an organic pussy in it. Strap that fucker on, wear it to work, then just throw your hips around a little and voila, cumshot on the sly. Take it home, douche it out, maybe feed it a cracker or two, and it's ready for the next day.

Yes, this is the line of thinking that occurs after watching this movie.

Here's the deal; a guy tries sticking metal into his body, then hits another cat while on a Sunday drive with his girlfriend, then the first cat transforms into a metal/flesh beast and dukes it out with the second cat, the one who he hit with his car. A lot of "What The Fuck?" mayhem ensues.

Back in '92 (I think), a Premiere magazine had a list of flicks that were making the rounds at festivals and some new videos that had come out, all of the connected by the what-the-fuck factor. The list looked something like this; El Mariachi, Reservoir Dogs, Bad Lieutenant, Meet the Feebles, Hard Boiled, and Tetsuo: Iron Man. I made solemn promise to myself that I would watch every one of those fucking movies if it killed me. It damn-near did.

So, at the top of the flick, our hero slashes a nasty, ragged hole in his thigh, then shoves a piece of steel rebar into the gaping wound. He wraps it up, then unwraps it later, only to be horrified by the maggots crawling around in it. Yes folks, there's no shortage of subtlety in this one.

Essentially, this is just a horror tone poem about the slow mechanization of the human condition. It took me reading roughly twenty scholarly articles in Film Comment and Film Quarterly to figure that nugget out. While you're watching this fucker, you can forget about high-minded criticism. You'll be lucky to get out with your skull merely fractured.

This one is pure cinema. A masterful little jaunt that visually and aurally assaults your face like a Kong dick blasting paisley, cotton-candy cum all over you. The camera work and the images draw you in and hold you down making the whole film feel like a prolonged instance of rubbernecking at a really nasty accident. One with meat spread out on the road like chunky peanutbutter. And the best part of all? The cat who made this flick did almost all of it on his own. Director, writer, lead actor, D.P., make-up effects, camera operator, editor Shinya Tsukamoto decided he was going to, By-Crom's-Bones, make a fucking movie and so he did. A Goddamned fierce one to boot. The images the man got o his 16mm camera (you're welcome, Meredith) land fucking deep, baby. Metalic zits to drill-bit dicks, I promise the taste of this one will fucking move you. What?

Get it and love it.

Save Yourselves,

'Nuff Sugar

Oldboy

BigSugar — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:11:42 +0000

They don't don't get much more fucked-up than this one, ladies and gents.

Here's
the deal; Oh Dae-Su, not the sharpest of tools in the shed, gets his
ass locked in a shitty motel room for fifteen years. Upon his
release, he's given five days to find the cocksuckers who locked him up
and put a fuckin' hurtin' on them. Crazy-ass hammer violence
ensues.

This is one of those rare movies that actually lived up
to the geek hype. Remember a few years ago when you couldn't go to
aintitcoolnews.com without hearing how cool this movie was? Well,
they weren't bullshitting you. This flick is as fucked up as a
football bat or a soup sandwich. As far as the plot of this
one goes, you're not going to get anymore out of me than that.
Trust me, you don't want any more.

Now this is one of those
flicks that has a fantastic hook and follows up with a great
story. Nothing is out of place and as fucking nuts as the thing
gets, it never fails to make the shit hit home, which is tough
considering what's up its sleeves. And, as always, it's
beautifully realized. The now famous hammer fight has to be one
of the coolest shots ever put on film and it works both as eye candy
and heart-pounding moment. And the shit with the octopus is just
so beyond what you can imgine being filmed that once you get there, I
promise you'll be hooked.

Waste no time, folks. If you haven't seen this one, you have no business even talking about movies.

Get it and Love it.

Save Yourselves,

'Nuff Sugar

totally fucked up

Tetsuo: Iron Man

Oldboy