Prom Night

Brendan Morrisey — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 08:13:16 +0000

Have you ever gone out of your way to watch a shitty movie, knowing its going to be bad and your sole purpose for watching it was just so you can complain about how bad it really was? My curiosity got the best of me once again, this time with the Disney channel's latest attempt at taking on the slasher genre. Prom Night. The movie is so bad that the band playing during the opening credits can't even get the lyrics right to a certain classic song by The Zombies (Time FOR the Season OF Loving?). Maybe it was to get away without having to pay for the copyright.

The movie stars Brittany Snow (the lost Olsen Triplet) who's claim to fame was that TV series American Dreams which I can barley remember, and of course another unforgetable smash hit called John Tucker Must Die. Now the beginning of the movie sounds pretty fucking cool when you try and describe it to someone but its not. A young high school girl arrives home from her friend's house to find her parents and little brother murdered by her creepy teacher (what kind of fucking school would hire a guy that looks like the unabomber?) who's been stalking and obsessing over her. He doesn't want to fuck her and rape her though. God forbid, this is a PG-13 film we're talking about. He just wants to take care of her the same way Bob Saget and Uncle Joey used to when he originally watched her on Full House. Creepy guy gets arrested, flash-forward to senior year, Brittnay's going to her prom, and now the not so scary looking killer who's face has already been revealed is out to get her again. The cop who was originally on the case finds out about it, hunts the fucker down and doesn't catch him until after a body count of about 5 takes place. The bad guy jumps out of the bed room closest, thinks he has his girl, but then the good guy shoots the bad guy and THE END. Que the Fallout Boy Music.

Now the director of this movie was originally a TV director for shows like CSI, and you can tell by the way this movie is shot because it looks exactly like a contemporary TV thriller. Even the scenes of violence feel like they were shot for TV, I mean C'mon! Prom is a perfect setting for a slasher film because all the annoying kids that horror movie geeks used to despise back in high school are all together in one single place. The possibilities are endless. You could stab a girl's eyes out with a tiara, hang bodies from a chandalier, decapitate someone with the roof window of the limo just to name a few. This killer stabs a few people he follows around on the upstairs part of the hotel. The dead bodies you could confuse for someone taking a nap after having spilled a little ketchup on their necks. Yes, the blood at times looks like ketchup.

To
the people who are responsible for this mess, please think of this is a learning experience. You can't make a slasher film without sex and gore. The death scenes need to be creative. The killer needs to be interesting and unique. Don't try and scare the audience and then tell them it was only a dream sequence. The movie shouldn't have a PG-13 rating. If you want a prom movie that'll appeal to the high school crowd then make another High School Musical, and leave the knife wielding serial killers out of it unless we're going to see some fucking brains splatter on camera. And don't release an Unrated version of the movie on DVD if there is only a SINGLE MINUTE worth of difference between that and the theatrical version. Bad dialogue is okay in a slasher film though, that is unless it was written by someone who works at ABC family.

God, even girls I've met with cruddy taste in movies who were excited for this walked out dissapointed.

Someone needs to take back the slasher genre and fast!

D-

Steaming Pile of Donkey Doo Doo

Prom Night